Redemption
by idontknowanything
Summary: Rick's choice changed so many lives forever. What happens when Ms. Sauve brings Toby, Emma, Jay, Spinner, and Jimmy together to help them heal? Updated 11605
1. Enter the Guidance Counselor

Redemption 

Summary: It's a new year at Degrassi, and everything is back to normal, or is it? Have the students really dealt with the events of the past year? Most have, but some are still dealing with the emotional scars of the past year. And some are only pretending that they have dealt with what happened. When those who were most affected by the traumatic events of the last year are thrown together by a well-intentioned guidance counselor, what will happen? Will scars be healed? Will friendships be mended? Will new relationships be formed? Or will it all just fall apart?

Prologue: Enter the Guidance Counselor

When I was in college, taking classes, I had always known I wanted to be a guidance counselor. I wanted to help people – no, I wanted to help kids. Kids who were lost, who were confused – I remember so well what it was like to be one of those kids. And sadly, there was no one there to help me. When my home situation was at it's worse – when my dad was still around, drunk and abusive – I longed for someone to talk to. For some adult to listen to me. But in my high school, the guidance counselor was the football coach. He was nice enough to help with scheduling and college applications, but he wasn't exactly the kind of adult a 14 year old girl could go to and talk to about her problems at home. It was then that I vowed I would become a guidance counselor – one who would be available and listen to the students, who would not judge them, who would help them with the problems in their lives. But somehow, I never thought it would be like this.

So many students who needed me – such as Paige, who was raped, or Ellie, who cut herself to deal with her pain, or Sandy, whose stepfather was sexually abusing her, or Darryl, who was hooked on drugs, or Stacy, who was pregnant and whose family threw her out – the list of kids who came to me for help goes on and on. And some of the things they told me about, about their lives and about their families, made me want to cry. For them, for the type of world we live in – we live a world where horrible things happen to these kids. But, I like to feel I gave them hope – I want to think I gave them a feeling that the world can be a better place than they have seen.

But what makes me feel the worst is the fact that I can't help them all. There are some students who don't come to me for help. There are some students that -- even after being referred to me by a concerned teacher or friend or parent --I can't reach. I can't reach them no matter how hard I try. And the one's who don't come to me for help… So many kids don't come to me, and bad things happen.

I wish Rick Murray would have come to me. I like to think, that if he would have come, and talked to me, that things wouldn't have escalated to what they had before he decided to do what he did. I could have talked to him, I could have helped him deal with his feelings of rejection and anger and pain. I could have maybe even have made Mr. Radditch listen, and try to help stop the bullying that was going on. But Rick didn't come to me, and I wasn't aware of what was happening to him. And on the day of that final prank, that horrible paint and feathers trick that Gavin Mason admitted he and Jay Hogart had set up, I thought Rick had went home. I was going to talk to him when he came back to school. I didn't realize that he had come back to school that day, with a gun.

I spent a lot of time after the shooting helping students deal with the aftermath. Kids were scared and angry and traumatized by what had happened. Yet, I couldn't help but notice that the ones who should have been most affected never came to see me. True, Sean Cameron had moved back with his parents, and Gavin and Jay had been suspended (not that I ever thought Jay would talk – he was one I had tried unsuccessfully to reach quite a few times before), and Jimmy Brooks spent a lot of time in the hospital and according to his father was receiving therapy from some really expensive psychiatrist to help him deal – but Emma Nelson and Toby Issacs were two students I never heard from. I ended up calling Emma Nelson in to talk at one point because her Archie Simpson asked me to. I remember that conversation with Emma so well.

"So, Emma, your father feels you may need to talk to me about your feelings about the shooting." I said, in my best, talk to me I'm listening tone.

Some expression flashed into her eyes too quickly for me to identify, before she gave me a bright smile. "I'm fine, Ms. Suave. My mom and dad are just worried because I had a little trouble a while ago – but I'm fine now." She said.

"What kind of trouble?" I asked, hoping to draw her out. I sensed her bright smile was an armor she used to hide behind, but I couldn't tell. She seemed to be doing fine now, and by all her teacher's reports, she had recovered after that little slump in grades and class participation she experienced for a while post shooting, and by all accounts, she was back to normal. But I couldn't really trust that. After all, who could be back to normal after experiencing what she had earlier in the year?

She looked at me, but I noted she hesitated slightly before looking me in the eye. Then she flashed another bright smile. "It was nothing. Just a little mistake. Not worth repeating." She said. She looked me straight in the eyes, but I noticed a slight tensing in her hands – a nervous tapping of her crossed leg. Body language speaks louder than words, sometimes, and especially with some people. I wonder if she knew how much her body language gave away about her true feelings.

"Emma, you can tell me anything, you know. I'm not going to judge you." I said, giving her what I hoped was a comforting, you can talk to me about anything smile.

Again, some emotion flashed in her eyes, but was quickly suppressed as she deliberately looked at her watch. "I'll keep that in mind Ms. Suave, but as I said, I'm fine. And I've got to go. I'm going to be late." She said, and again flashed another bright and friendly smile at me, as she got up and walked toward the door.

"Emma, you can talk to me anytime." I said, which she acknowledged with a head nod as she opened the door.

"See you later." She said, smiling at me before she walked away.

"Probably not." I thought to myself as she walked away. I had been in this field long enough to know who would come back and talk and who would avoid me like a plague after I reached out to them. Emma Nelson fell into the latter category. And I knew she was trying to play me with her "everything's ok" act.

I ended up calling in Toby Issacs the following day, because observing Emma had made me wonder about how the other person who had witnessed the death was doing. Interestingly enough, I was again dismissed rather quickly by a student trying to give me an impression that everything's fine.

It was over the summer, while dealing with Ms. Hazilakos' plan for continued healing following the shooting, which included allowing a repentant Gavin Mason and, surprisingly Jason Hogart, back into the school on a sort of probation, that I burst upon an inspiration. Ms. Hazilakos wanted me to counsel Jay and Gavin weekly as a condition of their re-admittance. So why not make it into a group? A peer group session, including the students most directly involved with the trauma. The two people who performed the prank and bullied Rick, the boy he shot in the back, his friend who watched him die, and the girl he tried to shoot – all of them, together, discussing what happened, and their feeling of guilt and remorse and pain, and hopefully gaining closure. It was my brainstorm, my baby, and the more I thought about it, the more I felt it was necessary. So, I set about to make it happen.


	2. Just a Girl

Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Nothing at all, except for a cat. And you wouldn't want the cat. He costs too much to feed. So don't sue me! Because I don't own Degrassi!

Author's Note: This story is my baby, so it will probably take me a little while between updates, because I can be a little obsessive-compulsive about getting my chapters just right. And the story started out with the guidance counselor as a first person point of view, which I will come back to later in the story, but this is going to be one of those stories where I switch from character point of view to character point of view from chapter to chapter. I'm really nervous about doing a couple of the characters points of view, so constructive criticism is very welcome. I would really appreciate it if people feel that I am writing the characters too far out of character, because I really hate it when other writers do that. So please, feel free to let me know if I don't get the characters right. Thanks! Idontknowanything

Redemption

Chapter 1: Just a Girl

Emma Nelson was just a girl. Right now, that was all she really wanted to be. She wanted to be just another average teenage girl like all the rest milling in the hallway, searching for the friends they hadn't seen all summer and new lockers and new homerooms. Emma remembered when she had used to stand out as a girl who stood up for what she thought was right. The girl who stood up in front of her entire class and announced she had just got her first period just to make a couple of boys shut up. The girl who took a week suspension to prove her point about freedom of speech. She used to be the girl who knew who she was and who used to do what she thought was right, no matter what. But somewhere along the way, she had lost that girl. Now, instead of standing out for being the girl who always stood up for what she thought was right, she was now the girl who stood out for all of the mistakes she has made. Those mistakes she kept trying to get past so that she could move on with her life. But in high school, who ever lets you forget your mistakes?

"Hey, Emma, going down to the Ravine tonight?" Chris said loudly as he walked past, a friend patting him on the back and snickering as some of the other people standing in the hallway laughed. Emma turned her back and pretended to be searching for her new locker number, trying her best to ignore Chris, to ignore the whispers and laughs of the students congregated in the hallway, and, most importantly, trying to forget the shame that his comment made her feel. But, she guessed that had proved her point. No matter how much you try to forget your mistakes, other people won't let you forget. Especially jealous ex-boyfriends who apparently had nothing better to do in life than tormenting their ex-girlfriend.

Emma wished Manny was there to walk with her to her new homeroom, so that she didn't have to wander the hallways alone. Interestingly enough, as Emma had discovered last year, a person alone in the crowded hallway stood out a lot more than someone who was with another person or in a group. It seemed like if you were alone, people were more likely to whisper and laugh and make comments about things that were none of their business. More and more lately, Emma was starting to feel sorry for deserting Manny when her reputation was ruined back in Grade 9. She would really have to remember to apologize about that sometime. But she couldn't today, because Manny wasn't here. Manny wasn't going to be here today, because she was auditioning for a commercial. So, that left Emma to find her way to homeroom, alone, unless she wanted to look for Toby or J.T. or Liberty, which wasn't too appealing, because Liberty was still holding a grudge about that whole Chris thing last year, and J.T. was with Liberty, and Toby – well Toby kind of reminded Emma of some other things she would like to leave in the past.

"Hey, Emmaline." A voice drawled behind her. Emma rolled her eyes, as she knew who it was. No one else called her Emmaline, except for Chester, who only did it to annoy her. She turned around to smile at Chester, who was walking right behind her. "Good, " she thought. "No Chuck and Chad with him today."

"Hi Chester." Emma said, as she slowed down just enough to let Chester catch up with her and was now walking beside her.

"So, Emma, did you enjoy the decorations?" Chester said, and smirked. Emma rolled her eyes. Last week, she had walked outside to a yard completely decorated in toilet paper, courtesy of the Hosada boys.

"Yeah, Chester. Real original. Can't your brothers think of anything more original and a little less juvenile?" Emma asked, rolling her eyes as she said it.

Chester smiled and shook his head, laughing softly. "You don't want to know their original plan," he stated. "I talked them out of their original plan," he said.

"What was their original plan?" Emma asked.

"You REALLY don't want to know." Chester said, and hurried off before Emma could ask him more about what that original plan was. She shook her head, smiling a little bit as she headed down the hall, thinking about her prank war with the guys two doors down. Chester was turning out to be pretty fun to have as a neighbor, and the whole prank war had given her something different to think about this summer instead of everything that went wrong last year.

Last year… the worst year of her life. When she had started last school year, she had thought, nothing could be worse than the year before, with Snake's cancer, her falling out with Manny, and her break-up with Sean. This year, she knew better. Things could be worse than they were in Grade 9. But Emma didn't want to think about that. Thinking about last year just brought back memories and feelings she would rather forget.

Emma was startled out of her thoughts by a tapping on her shoulder.

"Hi Emma, how are you?" Ms. Sauve asked, as Emma stopped in the hallway and turned to face her. Emma suddenly realized she was in the hallway she had avoided the end of last year. The hallway where Ms. Sauve's office was. "Uh-oh," Emma thought to herself. "I so do not have time for one of Ms. Suave's you can talk to me anytime talks."

"I'm fine, Ms. Sauve." Emma said to Ms. Sauve.

"I need to talk to you for a moment Emma. I'll give you a pass for homeroom." Ms. Sauve said, as she led Emma into her office.

Emma watched as Ms. Suave sat down in her chair, and motioned for Emma to sit down in the one across from her.

"Emma, I already talked to your parents about this, and they really want you to participate." Ms. Sauve started. "I am beginning a group therapy session for some of the students directly affected by the shooting that happened last year, and your mom and dad have already signed consent forms for you to participate. This will be really good for you." Ms. Sauve.

"You already talked to my mom and dad about this! Why didn't they tell me?" Emma asked.

"Because I wanted it to be your choice, Emma. I didn't want it to be something you did because your parents wanted you to." Ms. Sauve stated patiently.

"Well, I don't want to. The last thing I need at this point in time is to talk about all my problems to some group of kids who don't care." Emma said as she stood up and turned around to start walking towards the door.

"Emma." Ms. Suave said. "I wanted it to be your choice, but I think maybe you should call your mom and talk to her before you leave this room. Your mom is really worried about you. She is very upset that you aren't talking to her about what happened last year, and feels you aren't dealing with what happened. And Emma, you can't just keep all these feeling bottled up inside. It only makes things worse."

Emma closed her eyes for a moment. She felt the weight of her failure to be the perfect girl weighing down on her again. She hated to worry her mom, and she hated how she was unable to talk to her mom about her feelings after last year. She really tried to talk to her mom, too. But somehow, she couldn't do it. Even after admitting to her mom that she needed to go to the health unit because she could have gonorrhea, Emma still couldn't admit to her mom all of those feelings she kept hidden. Emma thought for a moment about what Ms. Suave had said, and about all those feelings she was trying to forget so that she could move on with her life. Emma thought for a moment longer, before turning around to face Ms. Sauve. Emma had made a decision.


	3. And Now the Geek

Disclaimer: All characters and things you recognize belong to Epitome.

Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! And please remember reviews and constructive criticism are always welcome! This is chapter 2. I realized writing this chapter, that this is probably going to be a pretty long story. But don't worry, I always finish what I start. I have planned out where I want this story to go, and the sequence of events. And I already have the first paragraph of the last chapter written. And now, on to chapter 2. Idontknowanything

Chapter 2: And Now The Geek

Toby Issacs was a geek. It was a fact of life he had accepted long ago. And no matter how hard he tried, he was never going to be seen as anything more than a geek. He was a geek, a nerd, a brain. No one would ever see him as one of the "cool" kids. He'd been down that road too many times before; searching for acceptance only to find out he would never fit in with the popular kids. He had long since accepted his place in the high school social order.

"Hey, geek, watch where you are going!" some random guy with a really bad mullet hair cut uttered as he pushed his way past Toby in the crowded hallway. Toby had long ago accepted his geek status. That didn't mean he had to like it.

"Get a haircut, jerk." Toby muttered under his breath to the back of the guy with the mullet.

Sometimes he wished he had enough courage to tell all those jerks off to their faces, instead of under his breath to their retreating backs. But that was a lesson he had learned long ago. They torment you less if you don't stand up for yourself, especially when, physically, you are pretty much unable to fight back. So, he had discovered it was easier to take the little things than to cause a big confrontation. But that didn't mean he was happy about it.

He heard a familiar voice in the hallway, and turned to see a girl with blonde hair hurrying down the hallway in the opposite direction from a watching Ms. Sauve. He started to walk away, but apparently Ms. Sauve must have eyes in the back of her head or something, because he was stopped in his tracks by a voice calling his name.

"Toby! Toby Issacs," Ms. Sauve called out over the noise of the students roaming the hallway. "I need to talk to you a moment," She said.

Toby stopped. There was no getting away from Ms. Sauve when she wanted to talk. He had found that out last year, as he had spent an entire school day avoiding Ms. Sauve's summons, only to be caught just as he was about to head out the door at the end of the day. Might as well get this out of the way right now, so he could leave school on time today.

Toby started to walk back towards Ms. Sauve, and smiled as he said "Good morning, Ms. Sauve."

"Toby, can you come into my office for a moment?" she said.

"Sure, Ms. Sauve." Toby replied.

As they walked into the office, Toby wondered what Ms. Suave wanted to talk to him about. He hoped it wasn't another one of those "How are you doing?" talks she had subjected him to last year. Like he really wanted to talk to her about how much his life sucked before and how much it sucked now.

"Toby, I talked to your dad and stepmom, and they would like you to participate in a group therapy session I am setting up here at school, once a week. They have signed the consent forms, and all I need now is YOUR consent." Ms. Suave said.

Toby noticed she hadn't mentioned talking to his mom. Then he wondered why he noticed that. It wasn't like it was anything different to him. If you weren't an aspiring actor or actress, his mom didn't have much time for you. Which meant she didn't have much time for her own son.

"What's this group for, Ms. Suave? Geeks anonymous?" he joked, smiling, until he noticed Ms. Suave's return smile at his comment was more pitying than amused. "Great, Toby." He thought to himself. "As if she didn't already think I was a nutcase after what happened last year."

"No, Toby. It's for the students who were most traumatized by the shooting last year. It's to help all of you move past what happened and get on with your lives." She said.

"Most traumatized by the shooting? I guess that means those of us who witnessed it?" Toby said.

"Yes, it does. I already have Emma Nelson's agreement to attend, and a couple of other students." Ms. Suave said.

Toby stopped listening as soon as he heard Emma's name. Visions of comforting Emma, talking to Emma, becoming closer to Emma, and maybe getting Emma to see him as more than a geek danced through his head, influencing what he said next to Ms. Sauve.

"Count me in." Toby said. "Just give me a time and place." He said to a confused Ms. Sauve. She obviously hadn't thought it was going to be that easy.

Toby left Ms. Sauve's office, and started walking to his homeroom. Most students were still congregating in their cliques in the hallways, talking about summer vacations and catching up on a summer's worth of gossip. But Toby did what geeks always did – he headed to homeroom early.

He used to have friends to wander these hallways with, and a group of people to talk about summer vacation and catch up on gossip with. Heck, in grade 8 and 9 he used to have a girlfriend to hold hands with as he walked the hallways. Up until grade 10, he had a best friend to laugh and joke around with. Then things had changed. First, there was the summer break-up. But break-up wasn't the right word – a break-up implied that the decision was mutual. And there was nothing mutual about Kendra dumping him, stating something about being different people than when he was a grade 8 and she was a grade 7. Next, his best friend ditched him for some grade 7 kid with a fake I.D. and a penis pump.

Sure, after everything that happened, he and JT had become friends again. But it wasn't the same. How was he ever going to get past what JT said, and how JT had treated him after everything had happened? Even his best friend thought he was a geek. And now his best friend was sucking face with someone Toby thought would probably win the biggest geek contest hands down – although Toby would probably be the runner-up. Which was probably the reason he was walking to class alone today. There was only so much JT and Liberty togetherness he could take before lunch. Now he knew how JT must have felt when Toby and Kendra were at their mushiest back in grade 9.

There it was -- his homeroom. Toby felt pretty lucky to have made it here with only one minor shove and a "Get out of the way, geek," and a conversation with a guidance counselor. Usually school hallways on the way to homeroom meant at least 3 similar shoves followed by some juvenile comment and one of Paige's patented, catty, "you are a loser" remarks. Upon walking into homeroom, Toby was surprised to see two students already sitting there, in the front row, Ms. Hazilakos was standing in front of them talking as Mr. Simpson looked on from his seat at his desk. And then one of the students turned around slightly in his chair, leaving Toby to see the profile of his face. And Toby felt filled with an odd combination of anger and dread. He guessed today wasn't his lucky day after all.


	4. The Bad Boy's Back

Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or any of the characters in this fiction.

Author's note: Thank you for the reviews. Last chapter was a little bit of a cliffhanger ending, wasn't it? From this point on, I'm putting in a spoiler warning, as I believe I'll be mentioning some minor things that happened at the end of season 4. But, I don't think you'll really be able to tell the difference between what happened at the end of the season and what I made up, so the spoiler warning is really very minor. Thanks for reading, thanks for reviews! Reviews and constructive criticism are always welcome! Thank you! Idontknowanything

Chapter 3: The Bad Boy's Back

Jay Hogart was back, and nobody was as surprised about his return to Degrassi as he was. He had never expected to be allowed to return to this school ever again. But he had taken a chance, and asked Ms. Hazilakos for the same deal she gave Spinner. Maintaining a C average in summer school was no big deal, as Jay had always been able to do that in school without even trying. He sometimes wondered what his grades would be like if he actually made an effort to do all his homework like all those geeks. He'd lost count of how many times he had ignored the "if you only applied yourself to something other than making trouble" speeches.

Unfortunately, he didn't have the luxury to ignore any speeches now. One strike and he was out of school – for good. And as much as he would have liked to blow this whole school thing off – it was his future. He was smart enough to know where he would end up without a high school education. Hell, he could even end up there now, if he wasn't careful. And he didn't want to end up in prison, like his dad. He never wanted to end up like his dad.

So Jay had decided that if there was one thing worth begging for, it was his future. He had begged Ms. Hazilakos for another chance, and surprisingly, she had given him one. Jay knew he had gotten lucky, there. If good old Radditch was still in charge, Jay wouldn't have even been allowed in the office. But Ms. Hazilakos was one of those rare people who seemed to think that there was a little good in every student, even a bad seed like him.

As Jay sat in a chair outside the principal's office, he mentally kicked himself for being so early. Spinner was no where to be seen, so it was Jay alone who was subjected to the glares of the straggling line of early incoming students as they walked past the office window and saw Jay sitting in his favorite chair. They were all hypocrites, all of them. The same people who had laughed hysterically as Rick stood on the stage covered in yellow paint and feathers were now giving him outraged glares for the stunt.

"As is any of them wouldn't have done it themselves if they had thought of it." Jay thought to himself, as he gave a group of gossiping grade 10 girls who were glaring and whispering at him outside the office window one of his best "don't mess with me" looks.

"Jay Hogart, Ms. Hazilakos is ready for you now." Mrs. Perry, the secretary said, after talking on her phone for a moment.

Jay got up from the chair he had affectionately claimed as his own when he started coming to school at Degrassi, and walked into the office he had spent a lot of time in. Ms. Hazilakos was sitting in her chair behind her desk, and motioned for him to sit across from her. He noticed that Ms. Hazilakos had gotten some more comfortable chairs in there than Radditch had. As Jay sat down in the cushioned chair, he sort of missed the old, rickety wooden chair that he had used to sit in ignoring Radditch's lectures. But as he sprawled out in the new chair, and discovered it didn't dig into his back the way Radditch's had, he sort of figured he could get used to this new chair that came along with a new principal. And as he looked across the desk at Ms. Hazilakos, he definitely thought he could get used to the new view.

"Hello, Jason. I'm honestly going to say I'm surprised to see you here." She said.

Jay restrained himself from making one of his usual smart-ass comments, and just sat silently. But he really wanted to say something back to her. He really, really wanted to.

Ms. Hazilakos looked at Jay silently for a moment. Jay felt like she was looking through him and somehow knew the kind of comeback comments that were on the tip of his tongue. When Jay didn't say anything, Ms. Hazilakos smiled, and then she spoke.

"There are some conditions to your being allowed to come back to school, which I discussed with you and Spinner last summer. Should I go over them again?" she asked.

She was interrupted by the phone ringing. She picked it up and answered it. "Yes, send him in Lisa." She said.

Almost immediately, the door opened to reveal Spinner.

"Hello Gavin. You're late." She said.

"Sorry, Ms. Hazilakos. My mom made me drive my sister to school today, and I had to wait for her." He said.

"That's fine, Spinner. Sit please." Ms. Hazilakos said, as she motioned toward the chair beside Jay.

"As I was saying to Jason, your re-admittance is conditional. You have both met the summer school requirements. Now, I am going to take you to your mentor teacher in a few minutes. Your mentor teacher will be meeting with you once a week to go over your grades and attendance records to help make sure you are attending all your classes" -- at this point she looked pointedly at Jay, slouching in his chair — " meeting your C average grade requirement" – with this statement she looked a Spinner for a couple of seconds – "and staying out of trouble." She said, as she looked back and forth between both of the boys.

"Who is going to be our mentor teacher?" Spinner asked. Jay could almost see Spinner thinking "Not Kwan, not Kwan" repeatedly. Jay started to hope it was Kwan for the amusement factor. After all, no matter what teacher it was, it was guaranteed that Jay had said something to offend him or her, so he really didn't care who it was, and it would definitely be more interesting if it was a teacher that Spinner didn't get along with either.

"Mr. Simpson has volunteered to be you mentor teacher. It works out well, as he is your homeroom teacher also, and can be available to you during that time as well as after school." Ms. Hazilakos said.

When Ms. Hazilakos said the name of the mentor teacher, he felt his hope for an actual future slip through his fingers. After all, Mr. Simpson had to hate him, which meant Mr. Simpson would probably be actively looking for anyway possible to get him out of the school, and away from innocent girls like his precious daughter or step daughter or whatever she was to him. Jay should have known something like this would happen. Jay had taken a huge chance in asking to come back and agreeing to Ms. Hazilakos terms. But he had to take a chance for his future. But one thing he had learned long ago – when you take a chance, life screws you over every time.


	5. Next Comes the Screwup

A/N: Two chapters in one night! The reason why is because I had most of Chapter 3 done for a little while, and just finished it tonight, and I wrote Chapter 4 too. I hope you like it! I have found that this fiction is going to be really long, because I have chosen 6 characters here to include (guidance counselor and 5 students), and I really want to do everybody justice. The first chapter for each person is basically to set the stage of who the character is and how they ended up in the whole group thing, and where they are at, emotionally, at the start of the story. After that, we'll have REAL tension, because pretty soon, we'll start the first group session, which will be quite interesting. Thanks for reviews! Reviews and constructive criticism are always welcome. Thank you! Anyway, enjoy! idontknowanything (aka Shari)

Chapter 4: Next Comes the Screw-up

Spinner Mason knew he was a screw-up. It always seemed like everything he ever tried to do he would somehow screw-up. Everything from schoolwork to friendships to relationships – he somehow managed to screw-up everything in his life. But the worst thing he'd ever done – there was no way he could top that one, and what was killing him was that he understood why everyone hated him. It wasn't like he could say he was sorry and put a Band-Aid on what he did to Jimmy. He screwed up Jimmy's entire life – all of Jimmy's hopes and dreams had gone down the pipe with one little paint and feathers prank. But now he was back, and he really hoped he could get everyone to see how sorry he was about what had happened.

Spinner was currently sitting in a chair in Ms. Hazilakos' office, listening to her repeat all the conditions to his and Jay's return. He saw Jay get a strange look on his face when she said Mr. Simpson would be their mentor teacher and he wondered about that a little bit, because everyone liked Mr. Simpson. But he guessed that you never knew with Jay – Jay was one of those people that kept more secrets than anyone else Spinner had ever met, so it was hard to tell why Jay had got that strange look on his face.

"In addition to those responsibilities, you are both required to be ACTIVE participants in at least one school sanctioned extracurricular involved in community service activities. I gave you a list over the summer, and I hope you have considered which one you want to join." Ms. Hazilakos stated.

Spinner thought about the list they had been given. It consisted of an assortment of "geek" clubs he would never have thought of joining before. He didn't know which one him and Jay were trying to join – he had suggested that they join SITE, which was the least geeky club on the list which didn't involve as much spare time as most of the other clubs, but Jay didn't like that idea, for whatever reason.

"And you are also required to attend and PARTICIPATE in a group counseling session with Ms. Sauve on a once weekly basis. I believe Ms. Sauve has already told you that the sessions will be on Tuesdays, immediately after school, starting tomorrow." She said.

That was the one thing Spinner wasn't looking forward to -- him and Jay being forced to talk about feelings and crap with Ms. Suave, and go over and over how sorry he was for what he had done. Ms. Sauve had said over the summer about trying to get a couple of other students to participate, but he really didn't think that would happen.

"Now, if you boys will follow me, I'll take you to Mr. Simpson's room, so we can discuss a few more things with him." Ms. Hazilakos said, as she got up from her chair and walked around her desk and walked over to open the door. Spinner and Jay got up and followed her, as she led them out the door, out of the office, and down the hallway towards the MI lab.

Spinner could feel the glares from the students that were just beginning to fill the hallways. Luckily, it was still early, and a lot of the students were still on their way to school or congregating in groups outside the school, so Spinner didn't have to face a crowded hallway of glaring students. Finally, they made it there, and walked into the room filled with computers where Mr. Simpson was currently sitting behind his desk, working on his computer. Mr. Simpson looked up from his computer as he heard them walk in.

"Good morning." Ms. Hazilakos said. "I brought these two boys so we can all discuss what is expected of them this year."

"Sure, Ms. Hazilakos." Mr. Simpson said. "I'm glad to see you guys back."

Spinner smiled back at Mr. Simpson. "Glad to be back, Mr. Simpson." He said. Jay said nothing at all, and just stood there silently, watching.

"You guys can take seats." Ms. Hazilakos said, and gestured towards two seats in the very front of the room. The two seats right in front of the teacher's desk, which, as every student knows, are the worst possible seats to have. Spinner usually liked to hide in the back of the room, because he hated to have to answer questions in class. He never knew the answers, and inevitably, everyone ended up laughing at his answers – whether he meant them to be funny or not.

Spinner sat down at the table, and Jay plopped down in the chair beside him.

Ms. Hazilakos put some papers in front of them. She indicated one of them.

"This paper needs to be signed by every teacher in every class you have at the end of class." She said. "And by Mr. Simpson at the end of each week."

She pointed to another one.

"This paper needs to be signed by the president and vice president of the community service club you choose to join at the completion of each community service activity."

She gestured toward the third paper.

"This paper needs to be signed by Ms. Sauve after each group counseling session." She said.

Spinner looked at the papers in front of him. His entire life was now a series of signatures. But it was worth it, to be able to come back to school and be near his friends again.

Spinner heard someone entering the room behind him. Both he and Jay turned around slightly to see who it was, and Spinner noticed the priceless look on Toby Issacs face when he saw them sitting there. Especially when Toby saw JAY sitting there. Spinner remembered how he and Jay had treated Toby – especially the day Jay had pushed Toby's head into the water fountain – and felt bad for what they had done.

Spinner turned back around when he heard Ms. Hazilakos speak again.

"Do either of you have any more questions for me?" she asked.

Jay shook his head "no", and Spinner said "No, Ms. Hazilakos."

"Well, then, I'm going to leave you to your homeroom." She said, and with a nod at Mr. Simpson, she left the room.

More students started filtering in to the room, and as they did, Spinner heard the whispers as the students noticed who was sitting in the front two desks.

"What are you TWO doing back?" J.T. asked as he walked in the room with his arm around Liberty. Leave it to J.T. to ask the question that was on everyone's minds. It wasn't a very friendly question, either.

Spinner figured he would be a better person to answer than Jay, especially since Jay appeared to be ignoring the question completely.

"Ms. Hazilakos let us come back." Spinner said.

J.T. said nothing as he sat down beside Toby in the back of the room, with Liberty taking the seat beside him.

The room was quickly becoming filled up, and now the only two seats left were the ones next to him. He noticed that the room had filled up rather oddly, with all the students taking the seats farthest away from them first.

"I knew we would be treated like we had the plaque." He whispered to Jay, who was sitting quietly next to him.

Jay gave him a small smile. "That's plague, buddy. The plague. And yeah, I knew we would be outcasts still. We were officially voted off the island last year, Spin." Jay said, and gave him a "thanks to you" look.

"Whatever." Spinner said. He looked up as the last student entered the room, right before the bell rang. He saw her pause in shock, as she looked and saw who was sitting in front of the room. He remembered that Emma had almost been shot because of what he and Jay had done, and he felt guilty again. He hoped she was doing ok. He had never thought about her after the shooting, because he had spent all his time feeling guilty about Jimmy. But Jimmy hadn't been the only victim of his prank and bullying, and he felt badly that he had forgotten about her.

He watched as she walked up to the front of the room and sat beside him. He was rather shocked that she had sat right beside him – after all there were two seats left, and she could have taken the one next to the one next to him. But she sat right next to him, for whatever reason.

He listened as Mr. Simpson read the announcement – they never had video announcements the first week of school because of the time it took to set up the system and to get the students to do it – and tried to ignore the dirty looks a lot of the other students were giving him from time to time. Finally, Mr. Simpson was done with the announcements, and the students were allowed free time on the computers or to talk until the first period bell rang.

Spinner was still trying to figure out why Emma had chosen to sit next to him. He finally let curiosity get the better of him.

"Emma." He said quietly. He was surprised when she turned towards him.

"Why did you sit next to me?" Spinner asked.

"Because you were the lesser of two evils." She said. Spinner looked at her, confused, so she clarified.

"Two seats left – right next to you, or right next to him." She indicated Chris Sharpe, who was sitting on the other side of the empty chair. Spinner still looked confused, and she sighed. "It's a lot easier to not hear the stuff he's saying about me when I'm a chair away, rather than right next to him." She said, and turned to look at her schedule. Spinner tried to hear what Chris was saying, but it was hard for him to focus on one person when a lot of people were talking. That was just one of the effects of his ADHD – he couldn't follow more than one conversation at a time in a noisy room.

It was then that Spinner noticed that Jay, on the other side of him, was acting strangely. Jay, for whatever reason, was giving Chris Sharpe a death glare. Spinner guessed he must have heard what Emma had told him, but what he couldn't figure out was why Jay cared that Chris was talking about Emma. Spinner figured it would probably take someone smarter than him to figure it out, and followed Emma's example – he shut up and pretended to be looking at his schedule.

The homeroom bell finally rang, and the students filed out of the classroom. Spinner and Jay held back and waited for the other kids to go. Spinner noticed Jay watch Emma as she hurried out of the room, and again tried to figure out what was going on there. But he had more important things to worry about – his first class was one of the few Grade 12 courses he was able to take this year – and Jay didn't have it with him. So Spinner was left to face his former friends – alone.


	6. Once a Jock, Now?

A/N Last chapter was rather a challenge for me, because Spinner is the hardest character to write. I really worried that I might be making Spinner -- well, I don't know how else to say this nicely – too smart. It's difficult to get the right balance in Spinner's character, but I hope I did a decent job and didn't make him out of character. This chapter is also difficult for me to write, because I think that Jimmy is a pretty complex character. Thanks for the reviews. Until next chapter – idontknowanything

Chapter 5 Once a Jock, Now …?

Once upon a time, Jimmy Brooks was jock. He lived, breathed, ate, and slept sports. Sure, he had other interests, such as playing guitar in the band– but in the end, his life and his entire future, all his hopes and dreams, had been about sports. In his case, the sport he had always dreamed of being his future was basketball. He was good at it, too. He even had scouts checking him out when he was just in Grade 10. Once upon a time, he was a basketball star, but now… he really didn't know who he was now.

He had come back to school, and had managed to adjust to a life stuck sitting down. He pasted a smile on his face, and pretended he actually thought he had a future after he left here. Sure, he had money to attend college, and the grades, and the brains it would take, but what he lacked was a dream. He had no idea what he wanted to do with the rest of his life, because all he had ever dreamed had been taken away with a pull of a trigger.

But Jimmy Brooks was a survivor. He refused to wallow in self-pity for things he could not change. Self-pity would not help him walk again. Self-pity would not make his life the way it was before. The only thing he could do was move on, and try to forget. He would try to forget the incredible rush he got from executing the perfect jump shot. He would make himself forget the feeling of the wind on his face as he ran a mile on a sunny day. Most importantly, he would have to forget the simple joy of taking a few steps, on his own, without the help of the physical therapist and her assistant while holding on to bars on both sides.

He would get his rushes from taking one step by himself without the physical therapist holding him up. He would feel the wind on his face while going as fast as he could in his wheelchair on a downward sloping sidewalk. He would take his simple joys from little things like getting his books out of his locker by himself or making it to class without running over anybody's toes. He would find a new dream for his future – one that he could love just as much.

Right now, Jimmy was sitting in his first period class, waiting for the rest of the students to arrive. One of the perks of being on wheels was that he always got to leave his last class early so that he could avoid the crowded hallway between class changes. The other students were filing in, and he smiled as he saw Hazel had this class with him. She walked up to him and kissed him on the cheek before sitting down.

"Hi, honey." Hazel said, and smiled at him. "I missed you in homeroom. I can't believe we are in different homerooms this year. Who's in yours?" Hazel questioned as other students continued to file in. In the old days, Hazel would have been one of the last ones to walk in – spending time gossiping with Paige in the bathrooms or doing whatever it was girls did in there. Now, Hazel always came to class early, to keep him company as he sat waiting for the rest of the students to straggle in and for class to start.

"Craig, Alex, and Ellie." Jimmy answered her question.

"Paige and Marco are in mine." Hazel said.

It seemed kind of strange to not have Spinner on either of their lists. Last year at this time, Spinner's name would have been mentioned, in fact, last year at this time, Spinner would probably have been sitting beside him. This year, Spinner was dead to him – long gone from the school and his life. If sometimes Jimmy missed him, he wrote it off. After what Spinner had done, he never wanted to see or talk to him again.

Unfortunately, as fate would have it, that wasn't going to be the case, because into the room walked his former best friend. Craig had warned him that Spinner would be back, but Jimmy had never thought he would have to share a class with him or see him because Craig had said Spinner had lost a year, and would be in Grade 11 again. Jimmy really didn't know how Craig knew this, and he didn't ask.

"Are you ok, Jimmy?" whispered Hazel at his side as she placed her hand on top of his knee – a knee he couldn't feel.

"It's nothing, Hazel. He's nothing to me at all." Jimmy said.

The rest of the class started talking, most of the whispered comments being the basic question of "what's he doing here?"

Jimmy noticed Spinner sit down in one of the seats in the back of the room. He really didn't want to examine what he felt when he saw all the students who were sitting near that seat change spots to seats farther away. He didn't want to feel sorry for Spinner, he really didn't. He had to remember what Spinner had done to him. Spinner was dead to him, after all.

"Jimmy!" Craig said as he walked into class, talking to Marco. "Marco has lots of stories to tell us about his trip to Africa."

Both Craig and Marco walked past where Spinner was sitting, deliberately ignoring him as they did, and came and took the seats behind Hazel and Jimmy. Jimmy and Hazel turned around to talk to them.

"It must have been so cool to go to Africa, Marco." Hazel said.

Marco's reply was interrupted by Ms. Sauve entering the room.

"Jimmy Brooks, can I talk to you in the hallway for a moment?" she asked.

"Sure, Ms. Suave." Jimmy said. He started to get up from his seat – at least in his mind he did. That was one of the hardest things about being paralyzed --those ingrained instincts that his body used to know it could do still haven't figured out that his body couldn't do those things now. It wasn't conscious thought – it was those unconscious things that used to come as easily as breathing – things like getting up from a chair.

Jimmy wheeled himself out of the room behind Ms. Sauve, and she led him to a spot by the lockers outside the door. The bell rang as the last 2 students rushed past them into the classroom and the one boy closed the door.

"Jimmy, I wanted to talk to you." Ms. Suave said.

"Sure, Ms. Suave. What about?" Jimmy asked.

"I wanted to talk about a group of students I am putting together after school. This group is meant to be a way to help students deal and move past the shooting last year." Ms. Suave said.

"I'm past that, Ms. Suave. It's over, and there is nothing I can do about it." Jimmy said.

"But Jimmy, wouldn't you like to talk about it? Talk about how it felt to have a gun pointed at you? Talk about how your life changed?" Ms. Sauve said.

"I did talk about it. My dad had me going to a psychiatrist for a while to talk about it." Jimmy said.

"I know, Jimmy. I talked to your father, who also signed permission forms for me to discuss this with your psychiatrist. You stopped going to see him after about 3 weeks, I was told, against your doctor's judgement." Ms. Sauve said.

"Honestly, Ms. Suave?" Jimmy said. "I really didn't need to talk about it. It happened, its over, I have to move on."

"Wouldn't you like some help moving on?" Ms. Sauve inquired.

Jimmy thought about that for a moment. He hadn't been able to really talk to any of his friends about what had happened – about how it felt to have a gun pointed at him. That moment in time still haunted him, no matter how much he tried to forget it or to move past it. He also thought about all the guilt he felt about it. He had bullied Rick just as much as Jay and Spinner had until he had joined Rick on the trivia team and had started to think that maybe Rick really had changed after all.

"But what good is talking about it going to do, Ms. Suave?" Jimmy asked. "Talking isn't going to change anything."

"No Jimmy, talking won't change the things we can't change, but talking can help you FEEL differently about it." Ms. Sauve said.

Jimmy hesitated for a moment. He still really couldn't see how doing something like this would help.

"Jimmy, you weren't the only one affected by this, you know. You weren't the only one he tried to shoot." She said. "And the other students he tried to shoot – they really need to talk about what happened just as much as you do." She said.

"Ms. Sauve…" Jimmy started, but Ms. Suave interrupted him.

"Just give it a try, Jimmy. What have you got to lose by giving it a try?" Ms. Suave asked.

Jimmy thought to himself for a moment. It was obvious he would have nothing to lose by going one time – then he could say he went and get Ms. Sauve off his back about it. One time – he could handle that. It wasn't like he had a lot going on after school now anyway.

"Ok, Ms. Suave." Jimmy said. "I'll give it a try."

Ms. Sauve smiled. "Tomorrow, after school then."

"Tomorrow, after school." Jimmy repeated.


	7. The Power of Silence

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! That last chapter was hardest for me to write, because of Jimmy's complexity. I had to sit for a while and really think of what it would be like to be paralyzed, especially being paralyzed after knowing what it was like for 17 years to not be paralyzed. I hope I did Jimmy justice. Now we get to the hard part – the first session – starting with Ms. Sauve's point of view, then going through each of the characters. Thanks! idontknowanything

Chapter 6: The Power of Silence

One thing I had noticed long ago – there is a certain power to be found in silence. In the case of so many people, their silence tells you so much more about them than their words ever could. As I sat here, looking at the group of silent students gathered around a circular table in the room with me, I discovered so many little things about them.

I looked over at Toby Issacs, tapping his pencil on the table, as he was the first one to arrive. "Tap, tap, tap…" sounded through the dead silence of the room.

I watched Jay Hogart enter the room, and sprawl in a chair on the far side of table, and very deliberately push his sunglasses down from his forehead to cover his eyes.

I observed Emma Nelson enter the room and pause in the doorway, looking at the two students already seated, and staring at Jay for a moment with an unreadable look on her face, before taking the seat next to Toby, and the farthest one from Jay. As she sat down next to Toby, she gave him a small smile, as if in relief to find a friend in a place she had been afraid to find none.

I saw Gavin "Spinner" Mason walk in and quickly take the seat next to Jay, and across from Toby. He looked at the people sitting at the table, and started to open his mouth as if to say something, before his words stopped, as if he was afraid to break the silence permeating the room.

We all sat in silence for a few moments, and I continued to watch the students from my seat at the desk in the back of the room. I could not see Jay's face, as his back was towards me, but I was able to see Toby, Emma, and Spinner, and observe their actions.

"Tap, tap, tap." It was still the only sound to be heard in the room. Emma was looking at everything in the room except towards Jay, who was across from her at the circular table. That was interesting to me, and I wondered what was going on there.

Spinner was sitting next to Jay, and from the angle I was at, I could see that he was extremely uncomfortable. He was one of the easiest to read people in the group – all of his emotions were written on his face for the careful observer to see. In his face, I could see regret as he looked at Emma and Toby. Surprisingly enough, Emma returned his look with a small smile that was almost pitying – but Toby avoided looking at him completely.

"Tap, tap, tap…" continued to be the only sound to be heard in the room, besides the quiet sounds of the student's breathing.

"Isaacs… Will you stop that damn tapping before I..?" Jay paused in the middle of his threat, as if remembering that he was on thin ice. Very thin ice. Even though he had stopped himself before threatening Toby, I still felt that I had to correct him – to show him there was a better way to deal with people than what he knew.

"Now Jay," I said gently "if the noise is bothering you, a better way to get him to stop would be to ask him nicely."

"Threats work better." Was all Jay said, with his back turned to me.

I let that one go. Why did I? I don't know. I guess it was because of all the students there, Jay was truly the lost cause. He was the student I couldn't save. I had tried so many times before – ever since the day he had come to Degrassi with a history that made me shudder, and a bad attitude that never quit. But if I thought he couldn't be saved, why was he here? Why did I beg Ms. Hazilakos to take a chance when he came begging to come back? They were tough questions to ask myself. I think in the end it comes down to that never ending spark of hope I have in me for every kid, even the lost causes of the world. There was always that hope that even the Jay Hogarts of the world can be helped.

I noticed that Toby had stopped tapping his pencil immediately when Jay told him to stop. It was almost like it was an instinct to him. I felt a little sad when I realized it probably was and instinct -- a survival instinct.

Emma looked over and saw that Toby had stopped tapping his pencil upon Jay's order. I saw a strange look come over her face, before she glared at Jay, and then proceeded to start to tap HER pencil on the desk – much harder and louder than Toby was doing before. I felt a little relieved at this – it seemed that there was still a little part of Emma left who would stand up for other people, even if it was in this little way.

I expected that Jay would turn on Emma, but it never happened. Jay just sat there, and said nothing more, all the while Emma tapped her pencil repeatedly and loudly on the table.

I looked at the clock, and realized it was long past our starting time. I felt a little sad because Jimmy didn't come, but I still had to start. I got up from my desk and took the open chair at the table closest to my desk, which was the seat in between Jay and Toby.

"Well, I had hoped for one more, but it appears that he cannot be here today." I said, as I looked out at the faces of the four students, seated around the circle. Each student said nothing as I looked around the circle. At Toby, whose glasses glinted in the fluorescent lights – at Emma, whose brown eyes looked at me with an expressionless look – at the empty chair next to her, -- at Spinner, whose sorrow and regret showed plainly in his face – and at Jay, whose face was hard to read as his sunglasses covered his eyes.

"Jay, could you please take your sunglasses and hat off?" I asked. "We are inside the building, so you don't need them." I said.

Jay turned his head slightly to acknowledge my talking to him, before taking his hat and sunglasses off and slamming them on the table in front of him, and giving me smirk as he did so.

"We are going to start by introducing ourselves, and saying a little bit about ourselves." I said, but was interrupted by the opening of the door.

"Sorry, I'm late." Jimmy said, as he wheeled in rather awkwardly, trying to hold the door open with one hand and use the other to wheel his chair into the room. He managed to come in, and stopped as he saw who was sitting around the table.

"What are THEY doing here?" he spat out, as he glared at Spinner and Jay.

"They are here for the same reason as everyone else. They are here to talk." I said.

Jimmy looked like he wanted to leave, but must have decided that he couldn't back out once he had come in here. One thing I could say about Jimmy Brooks – he wasn't a quitter.

Jimmy wheeled over to the only empty seat at the table, and pulled out the chair next to Emma, dragging it out of the way before pushing his wheelchair under the table. He didn't look at Spinner at all and was in fact doing his best to pretend that Spinner did not exist.

"As I was saying," I said, "we are going to start by saying a little bit about ourselves. We are going to tell everyone who we are, and why we are here." I finished.

"I'll start." I said. "I'm Ms. Sauve and I'm here because I think that talking will help everyone heal."

I saw Emma, Toby, and Jimmy look at me skeptically. Spinner wasn't even paying attention to me; he was looking at Jimmy's wheelchair with a look of regret in his eyes. Jay just looked bored.

"Toby, why don't you start, and we'll go around the table." I said.

Toby just looked at me for a moment. "Ok, but I don't see why we're doing this. I mean, we all know who everybody here is."

"That doesn't matter, Toby. It sometimes helps to say your name." I replied.

"Ok… I'm Toby Issacs. I'm here because…" Toby paused, and looked at Emma sitting next to him out of the corner of his eyes. "I'm here because I want to talk." He finished.

"That will do for now, Toby. Now Emma?" I said.

"My name is Emma Nelson and I'm here because my parents think it will be good for me." Emma said, with a sad look on her face.

"That's fine, for now." I said. "Jimmy?"

"I'm Jimmy Brooks, and I'm here because you asked me to try this one time." Jimmy said, with emphasis on the "one time".

"That will work, for now." I said. "Spinner?"

"I'm Spinner Mason, and I'm here because…" Spinner said, and paused as if thinking of what he wanted to say. "I'm here because I'm sorry!" He said quickly, and looked at Jimmy. Jimmy avoided his eyes.

"That's really good Spinner. That is the best and most honest answer we've had so far." I said. "Jay?"

Jay gave me a look for a moment, as if weighing his words. I could almost tell that he was thinking of some smart ass comment, but was trying not to say it.

"I'm Jay Hogart." He said. "I'm here because I have to be if I want to graduate from this dump."

"That will work, for now, Jay." I said.

I looked at all the students, sitting around the table. "Now that you answered that question – I want you to remember your answer. I'm going to ask it again another day, and I think maybe then we might get some more honest answers." I said as I looked at all of them. There was a power in silence – and their silence and avoidance of my eyes at what I said spoke so much louder than words.


	8. The Emptiness of Me

A/N: After a lot of struggling and research, here it is! See author's note at the end if you have any questions about "What's wrong with Emma?" Thanks for the feedback!

Chapter 7

The Emptiness of Me

Was she really being honest in what she had said? Was she here for her parents, because they were worried about her? Or was she here for herself? Honestly, Emma Nelson didn't know. She had no idea why she was here today, trying to avoid thinking about the one thing she was supposed to be here to think about.

"Alright, now that we have that out of the way, I want to ask each of you – how do you feel when you think about what happened last year?" Ms. Sauve asked.

That was a tough question. How did she feel when she thought about what had happened? She really didn't like to examine her feelings. Her feelings were just too confusing. In fact, about most things anymore, she just felt rather numb. She relived the memories in her nightmares, but it felt as if it had happened to someone else. She knew it had happened to her, but it didn't feel like it. Emma was interrupted from her thoughts by Ms. Sauve speaking.

"Spinner – why don't you go first?" Ms. Sauve asked.

Emma turned her head to look towards Spinner. He was the one person in the room whose every thought you could almost see on his face. She could plainly see he felt guilty about his involvement in all this and truly regretted what he had done.

"I feel guilty." Spinner said, and he looked at Jimmy, who avoided his eyes.

"Good, Spinner. That's a good start. It's normal to feel guilty after violence. Now can you tell us this? Why do you feel guilty?" Ms. Sauve questioned.

"Uhhh…" Spinner started to try to formulate what he was going to say, but Jimmy interrupted.

"Anyone of us here could tell you why he feels guilty. It was his stupid stunt that caused Rick to bring the gun, and then he and Jay told Rick I had done it, leading to my new set of wheels." Jimmy said, as he looked down at his wheelchair for emphasis, before he glared at Spinner.

Emma looked over at Spinner, who looked like he was going to cry, and felt bad for him. He was being blamed for everything, but Emma knew that it wasn't really his fault. She knew there was more to all of it than just a paint and feathers prank.

Jay spoke up next, surprising everyone in the room, including Emma.

"Spinner wasn't the one who brought the gun, now was he?" Jay said. "So what if we poured some paint and feathers on him – it was just a stupid prank." He said. "And besides…" Jay started, and flashed the room another one of his smirks, "didn't YOU bully Rick just as much as everyone else in this school?" He stated as he looked at Jimmy. "The only people in this room who didn't treat him like dirt were the geek and Greenpeace." He finished.

But Jay was wrong. Emma had treated Rick horribly. She had started by turning the whole school against him and she had tripped him in the Dot, and … she really didn't want to think about anymore more of that.

Ms. Sauve interrupted before Jimmy could reply. "Why don't we talk about that for a moment? Everything that happened before – the bullying." She said. "Toby, you were probably Rick's closest friend. Can you tell me why he was bullied?" she asked.

"He wasn't my friend." Toby said. But Emma knew that he was Toby's friend. She remembered the day their friendship had started, built on shared interests and a kissing bet centered around her. She had felt so good when she realized that Toby was following her example – but it was because of her that Toby was now here.

Jimmy answered Ms. Sauve's question for Toby. "He was bullied because of what he had done to Terri McGregor."

Ms. Sauve nodded. "What did he do to her?" she asked.

"He was her boyfriend, and he used to abuse her. It all ended when he put her in a coma." Jimmy said. "He didn't come back for a year, and when he did – everyone remembered."

"But he wasn't the same person when he came back. He had changed." Toby said, despite the fact that earlier he had denied that Rick was even his friend.

At Toby's defense of Rick, Jay spoke up again, again surprising Emma. "Yeah right." He mumbled.

Ms. Sauve looked over at Jay. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"Nothing at all." Jay said, and rolled his eyes.

"You seemed to think he hadn't changed. Where did you get that idea?" Ms. Sauve pushed.

"Didn't mean anything at all by it." Jay said, and gave Ms. Sauve a look that seemed to be saying, "I'm not going to say another word."

Emma found herself wondering what Jay had meant – what he was thinking. But she didn't want to think about Jay – thinking about Jay was still just too confusing. She didn't want to examine what had happened just yet – in fact, she would be perfectly happy if she could forget about it completely, without dealing with the question of why it had happened. But it was rather hard to forget about it, with Jay sitting across from her at the table.

"You've been quiet Emma. Can you tell me if you thought Rick had changed?" Ms. Sauve asked, as she looked at Emma.

Emma was silent for a moment, as she thought of her answer. She really didn't know how to answer that question.

"I thought he had changed." Emma said. It was the truth. She thought he had changed until the moment he had grabbed her roughly in the hallway and forced a kiss on her. It was something she had never told anyone about – not even the police on that fateful day when they were asking her if she knew why he had wanted to shoot her. She vaguely remembered telling the person questioning her that he had a crush on her, which she had not returned. It was the truth, too – but it was a lie by omission. She didn't want to admit to the scene that had occurred between them after she had chased him down to give him the trophy and to try to make him feel better.

"You only thought he had changed?" Ms. Sauve asked, interrupting Emma's thoughts.

"I mean, he obviously hadn't, because if he really had changed, he wouldn't have done what he had." Emma clarified.

"What do you mean?" Ms. Sauve asked.

"She means that if he wasn't still psycho, he wouldn't have brought a gun to school." Jay stated before Emma could answer.

Emma almost gave him a grateful smile, before remembering that it was Jay who had just rescued her from questions she didn't want to answer. She wondered why he had done that – it wasn't as if she actually thought she had meant more to him than just another vulnerable girl he could manipulate for his own selfish pleasure.

"Thank you Jay, but I believe it was Emma's turn to answer." Ms. Sauve said. "So, Emma" she said, emphasizing Emma's name "what did you mean by that?" she asked.

"Just what Jay had said, only probably not in quite those words." Emma said.

"Alright. Let's go back to our original question, then." Ms. Sauve said, after she must have decided it was time to change the subject.

"What do you feel about when you think about the shooting? Spinner says he feels guilty. Be honest. Does anybody else here feel guilty?" Ms. Sauve asked, as she looked around with probing eyes at each of the students sitting around the table.

Emma felt like Ms. Sauve was looking right through her and seeing the true feelings lying beneath. She thought about the question Ms. Sauve had just asked. Did she feel guilty, like Spinner? So much of what had happened was her fault. She looked around at the boys sitting at the table with her – at Toby, Jimmy, Spinner, and Jay. Did they feel guilty, too?

Emma watched for a moment, as nobody spoke. Then she raised her hand. "I feel guilty." She said.

She looked around, as Jimmy and Toby also raised their hands. Spinner looked around at the raised hands – all indicating that they felt guilty also, and added his raised hand to the tally. Then Emma looked at Jay, and noticed he was looking at her with the same look of shock on his face he had last year, on the day when she admitted to him that she didn't have virtue – that she wasn't perfect. Then, their eyes met for a moment, and she again felt that tiny glimmer of understanding that had drawn her to him last year, before things had gotten so messed up and confusing. She quickly looked away, and found herself looking at Ms. Sauve, who was looking at the raised hands with a small smile on her face.

"What about you, Jay? Don't you feel guilty?" Ms. Sauve asked.

"The truth, Ms. Sauve?" Jay said. "I feel nothing."

Ms. Sauve shook her head. "Fine, Jay. Maybe you'll be more willing to take this seriously next week. I'll have Mr. Simpson discuss with you the importance of taking these sessions seriously." She stated.

Emma looked over at Jay briefly before she could stop herself. She was surprised to notice that Jay had a strange look on his face – if she didn't know better, she might have even thought it was a look of fear. She didn't have time to examine it more closely, as it was quickly replaced by Jay's trademarked "whatever" expression.

"Now, we all decided we feel guilty, which is a normal feeling for people who survived a traumatic event. We'll explore that another day. I wanted to find out some more shared feelings that you have about the shooting. Emma, can you tell me something else you feel when you think about the shooting?" she asked.

Emma didn't want to think about this. She didn't know how she felt about the shooting. She knew she was guilty, she knew she was afraid and scared and sad. But somehow, all of those feelings felt like they belonged to someone else. The truth was, Emma Nelson had felt numb – she had been fighting this feeling of emptiness since about a week after the shooting.

Emma sighed to herself, and wondered what Ms. Sauve would say if she gave the same answer as Jay. Because, in a way, it was the truth. She felt nothing – and she didn't know why.

A/N: Post Tramatic Stress Disorder (Following definition summarized from -- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can develop following a terrifying event. Often, people with PTSD have persistent frightening thoughts and memories of their ordeal and feel emotionally numb and detached.

The event that triggers PTSD may be something that threatened the person's life or the life of someone close to him or her. Or it could be something witnessed, such as massive death and destruction after a building is bombed or a plane crashes.

Whatever the source of the problem, some people with PTSD repeatedly relive the trauma in the form of nightmares and disturbing recollections during the day. They may also experience other sleep problems, feel detached or numb, or be easily startled. In general, the symptoms seem to be worse if the event that triggered them was deliberately initiated by a person - such as a rape or kidnapping.

See! I did research (google is a wonderful thing!). Anyway, this is just some information so you know where I'm coming from with the whole Emma thing. (Think about secret – detachment, emotional numbness, withdrawl from friends and family, sleep problems – sounds a lot like what we have here!) So that's the angle I'm coming from with my characterization of Emma, here. If you don't think I did PTSD justice her, please let me know. I struggled with this chapter, because of everything I needed to have go on and furthering the answering of the question "What's wrong with Emma?". Thanks!


	9. Was He My Friend?

A/N: Thanks for the feedback! I again did some research for this chapter (and actually for subsequent chapters) into bullying. What bullying is, why people bully, and how a victim of bullying feels as a result. I recommend reading about it. (Just go to google and type in bullying and see what you find). Bullying is more than just physical abuse, and the reasons why people bully are certainly different than what I thought. So, before I get really preachy, I'm going to go on to what you are really waiting for (instead of my public service announcement on bullying) the next chapter:

Chapter 8 – Was He My Friend?

Toby sat in the circle of people at the table, and wondered why he had ever consented to this. Was some pre-adolescent crush that he admitted he should have outgrown long ago worth this? He didn't want to sit here anymore, hearing people blame Rick without ever once thinking about Rick must have felt. Toby sometimes thought about what Rick must have felt like, although he didn't know why he still did that. Rick wasn't his friend, was he?

"Emma, can you tell me something else you feel about the shooting?" Ms. Sauve said, looking at the beautiful girl sitting next to him. Toby sensed uneasiness in Emma's silence, and wondered at it. After all, in all the years he had known Emma Nelson, she was never the person that didn't tell you exactly what she felt. But ever since the shooting, Emma hadn't been the same.

"I don't know what I feel about the shooting." Emma said quietly from beside him after a pause that seemed like it went on forever.

"That's alright Emma. That's a pretty honest answer. Feelings, especially those about something so traumatic, are often very confusing." Ms. Sauve said. "Maybe someone else here can help us figure out what some of those confusing feelings are. How about you, Toby? You were Rick's friend. How does it feel to think about your friend?" Ms. Sauve asked.

"He wasn't my friend, Ms. Sauve. But the whole thing – it makes me feel sad, because it shouldn't have happened." Toby said, as he proceeded to then look angrily at Spinner and Jay.

Jay glared back at him, but for once, kept his mouth shut. Spinner just looked down at the table under the scrutiny of Toby's angry eyes.

"You are right, Toby. It shouldn't have happened. But we aren't going to change things by blaming anyone. The only thing we can do here is try to learn from what happened and move on. I was just wondering, however, why you keep saying that Rick wasn't your friend? Ms. Sauve questioned.

"Because he wasn't." Toby said.

Emma turned and looked at him. "Toby, he was your friend. You said you were following my example or something and had some kind of bet going, and after that, you guys were always talking and stuff." Emma stated as she looked at Toby with understanding in her brown eyes.

"Well, Toby, we seem to have some disagreement here. Let's talk about that day that Emma mentioned, and see if we can all figure out if he was your friend or not." Ms. Sauve said.

"Well, it was the day after the trivia try-outs, where Mr. Simpson had paired us up." Toby said, as he glanced at Emma beside him out of the corner of his eyes. He had remembered he had wanted Emma to be his partner that day, but she had already been paired up with Heather Sinclair.

"Anyway, that day, he had showed me a list he had." Toby started, but was interrupted.

"So you knew Rick had a list of people to kill and didn't tell anyone?" Spinner said, with a shocked look on his face.

"It wasn't a list like that, Spinner. I didn't know he was going to do what he did." Toby replied, with a defensive glare.

"Let's just continue with talking about how you and Rick met." Ms. Sauve said.

"Anyway, as I was saying," Toby said with a glare at Spinner, "he showed me a list of the girls in school he thought were the most…" he broke off, embarrassed.

"Continue, please, Toby. We aren't here to judge." Ms. Sauve said.

Toby looked at Emma, sitting next to him, and braced himself for her response. After all, an attractive girl's rating list was something she would find very, very offensive.

"It was a list of the hottest girls in the school." Toby said, with a slightly red face and a "please don't hurt me" look at Emma. Toby was surprised when Emma didn't react.

"Great – so the psycho had a list of girls he wanted to beat up." Jay stated, with a glare at Toby.

Ms. Sauve intervened. "That's enough, Jason." She said.

"Continue, please, Toby." She said.

"So, the next day, we made a bet. The person who got a certain girl to kiss him before the end of the day won." Toby said.

"Was that why you sent the psycho stalking that grade 9 girl?" Jay asked while giving Toby an "you idiot" look.

"Actually Jay, their bet was who could get a kiss from ME by the end of the day." Emma stated.

"That's right. And we tied, of course, so the next day, our bet was who could get the MOST kisses by the end of the day." Toby said. "I felt so sorry for Rick – everyone treated him so awfully, and he couldn't get any girl to kiss him. I asked one of Manny's friends to kiss him – I paid her 5 bucks to do it."

"You felt sorry for him? Can you explain why you felt sorry for him?" Ms. Sauve asked.

"Well, I felt sorry for him, because everyone was just so awful to him. The way the girls treated him – at least for me they pretend I don't exist, but him – I even saw one girl spit on him after he explained to her about our game and asked her nicely if she would help him out. And everyone else – at least I can be invisible – it was like Rick had a target painted on him. He was slammed into lockers and pushed and shoved – he was treated so horribly. So I wanted to save him from complete humiliation." Toby said.

Toby looked around the table at the other students sitting there, listening to his words. He could tell that Emma, Jimmy, and Spinner all felt badly for what Rick had gone through. But Jay – Toby really couldn't tell anything about what Jay was thinking or feeling from the ice-cold look on his face.

"It sounds like he was your friend, Toby." Ms. Sauve said. "What do you think?"

"He wasn't my friend." Toby said. "I couldn't be friends with someone who would do what Rick did."

"You aren't responsible for Rick's actions, Toby. Nobody is responsible for what their friends do. A person could be your friend, and still do something horrible if they are pushed hard enough." Ms. Sauve said.

Toby thought for a moment about what Ms. Sauve had said. Was that his problem? Did he feel responsible for what Rick had done? Why did he feel that way? Deep inside, Toby knew the answer to those questions – because Rick was his friend.


	10. The Masks We Wear

A/N: Sorry about the delay in this chapter. This chapter is Jay centric, and Jay was being… well, Jay was being Jay (lol). A lot was involved in this, as I am giving Jay a past and a family (you'll see). Anyway, I hope this chapter is worth the wait. Thanks for reading, thanks for feedback and constructive criticism. And now, on to the chapter.

The Masks We Wear

Jay didn't know how much longer he could sit here and listen to this. Everyone claiming guilt for what the psycho freak had done, the geek whining on and on about how bad psycho boy must have felt because a few people had ignored him. Spinner, taking the blame for everything like it was his and Jay's fault that the freak went nuts. Jimmy, sitting in his wheelchair, acting like he was a saint who didn't do a damn thing to Rick to deserve what happened to him – acting like it was him and Spinner who put him in that chair. And Emma, avoiding even looking at him – pretending he didn't even exist.

"Jimmy, would you care to tell us how you feel about the incident?" Ms. Suave asked, looking at Jimmy sitting in his wheelchair. Jay looked over at his chair, and found himself, for the first time, wondering what it would be like to be unable to walk. He sort of guessed it would suck – a lot. He quickly surpressed the slight twinge of guilt that thought brought. After all, it wasn't his problem.

"Well Ms. Suave, I'm angry. I'm angry that I'm stuck in this chair." Jimmy said, and glared at Spinner. Easy enough to see where Jimmy placed all his blame – as if Spinner was the one who pulled the trigger.

"And you blame Spinner and Jay?" Ms. Suave intuitively inquired.

Jimmy gave her a look that sort of said "Duh!". "Who should I blame? It was them who told Rick that I set up the whole Whack Your Brain humiliation." Jimmy stated.

"Who else? Does anybody else have any idea who else he should blame?" Ms. Suave asked of the group.

The room was silent, except for the noise of Emma shifting in her chair. Jay looked over at her, and saw her looking down at the table, avoiding all eyes. He wondered about that. He had wondered about a lot of things after what she had said to him and the look in her eyes when she walked away from him last year. It was the second time in a long time he had actually felt bad for what he had done. The first time was a few days earlier than that, when he was confronted by that look in Alex's eyes when she told him she never wanted to see him again.

The silence stretched on further, as Emma looked at the table, Toby stared off into space, Jimmy glared at Spinner, and Spinner sat there with a look on his face like he was going to start crying any second now. Finally, Jay couldn't take the silence any longer.

"Have any of you idiots figured out yet that it's Rick's fault?" Jay stated, with a smirk. "Spinner and I didn't pull the trigger, did we?"

Ms. Suave looked at Jay, surprised.

"You're right, Jay. You didn't pull the trigger -- that was Rick's choice. Ultimately, Rick is to blame. But even though you didn't pull the trigger, what do you think your treatment of Rick did?"

Emma looked up from the table, and answered the question.

"The way they treated him – the way everyone treated him at some point in time or another – it made him want to pull the trigger. It made him feel so bad that he wanted to." Emma said, sadly.

Toby nodded at her words, and Jimmy looked thoughtful. Spinner continued to look like he wanted to cry.

Jay said nothing more as her words echoed through his head. He refused to feel like any of this was his fault. So he did the thing he had always done when confronted about his past actions – he lashed out.

"Well if that's the case, Greenpeace – then why did the freak want to shoot you? You protected him from all of us big, bad bullies, didn't you? We didn't tell freak boy it was the whole Trivia geek squad that set him up – we only said Jimmy had done it. So why was the psycho after you, if he wasn't just insane?" Jay spat out, glaring at Emma.

Jay was surprised that she said nothing back to him. He really wanted a fight – he wanted something to take his mind off of what her quietly stated "it made him want to do it" made him think. Because he refused to believe that any of this was his fault. Freak boy was a psycho, and that was that.

Jay looked over at Emma, and saw she was looking down at the table again. Toby and Jimmy were looking over at her thoughtfully, as if they had been wondering the same thing for a while. Jay knew they probably were. It had been the question everyone had been wondering about since the day it had happened – why Emma? Jimmy being shot was slightly more understandable, as most of the people in the school knew about the whole dumpster incident, thanks to Spinner's bragging. But Emma had been the only one to stand up for freak boy, even protecting him from a further beating the day at the Dot.

How much more of this was he expected to put up with? Jay looked up at the clock, and saw what time it was. He felt relieved that time was up, but he also felt something else. He didn't feel bad about lashing out at Emma like that, did he? Of course not.

"Hey, Ms. Suave, times up." Jay stated, interrupting the silence. "It's been fun, but some of us have places to be." He stated, as he got up from his seat and started walking towards the door.

He heard Ms. Sauve talking behind him as he walked out of the door. After all, no one said he had to stay longer than the hour he had committed to.

"So it is. You may go, if you want to, but if anyone wants to stay and talk, I don't mind." Ms. Suave said.

Jay was out the door and headed down the hallway before any of the other students even left the room. He was glad he had made it out of there first – he didn't want to deal with any of them – not even Spinner, who at this point in time was the closest thing to a friend he had.

He headed out the door and went over to his car. This car was his baby. He had it outfitted with everything he could – in the old days it was with parts that he would buy with money he got after stealing things to pay for it, but lately, any new parts were bought with money from his paycheck at the Dot. He guessed he really was going soft, or something. Maybe it just was that he had found out what happens after you get caught, and didn't want to deal with the consequences. He didn't want to end up in prison like his dad, no way.

Jay got into his car, and peeled out, driving away from the school. He sped through the streets of Toronto, watching as the buildings and trees and houses and vehicles passed him by. He tried not to think of the last couple of days, about being an outcast. All of his old friends had disappeared, and he had lost his girlfriend long ago. If he was honest with himself, he would admit he had lost her long before she discovered his after school activities. She had slowly been drifting away from him for a while before that, spending more and more time with her new friends or at work and less and less time with him.

Was that why he had cheated on her? He didn't know. All he knew was that without Alex around, he had started to feel more and more alone, and less and less able to outrun his thoughts. So he started to find other ways to keep himself entertained, and in the process, lost Alex and any chance he might have had with a certain other girl – not that he had wanted one.

Jay drove up to his house, and looked at the older two-story house with peeling paint and a small yard that needed mowing that he had called his home for the last 4 years. His grandma was probably still at work – her low paying job as a cashier at the local convenience store. His grandpa was probably sitting in his recliner, watching T.V., with his 4th can of beer clutched in his wrinkled hand as he got sufficiently disoriented enough to report to his night shift job at one of the local factories.

Jay remembered the first day he had moved in with them – after Children's Aid Services removed him from his dad's home. It had been strange for him to come here. It was an entirely different world than he was used to. It was a place where there was actually food in the refrigerator. There wasn't a constant stream of pale people with dark circles under their eyes and black lines tracing up their arms, as if someone drew them, coming around begging for a "fix" at all hours of the day and night. There was no one here who would take a "fix" themselves and proceed to "fix" his face for some little infraction like forgetting to wash the dishes.

He remembered the kind look in his grandma's eyes as she had looked at him, her grandson she hadn't seen in years – since his mom, her daughter, and died of a drug overdose all those years ago. She had looked at him in a way no one had ever looked at him. It was the same kind of look he'd seen other parents give to their kids – maybe it was love? He really didn't know. All he knew was that now she looked at him with a completely different look in her eyes, one that he knew very well. Disappointment was something he was really used to seeing. That was what inevitably happened to anyone who tried to get close to him – they just ended up getting disappointed.

Jay walked into the door, and saw his grandpa, sitting right where he had predicted.

"Hi, Jay. You didn't get into any more trouble today, did you?" he asked in his gravely voice, without looking up from the T.V.

"No." Jay said briefly, before heading up the stairs. He needed to change before heading out again. He would find somewhere to go, where he could put on his mask and pretend like he didn't have a care in the world – there had to be a place where he could drown out his thoughts in a bottle of whatever he happened to find. Maybe he would go find Spinner to join him. He never did like to drink alone – drinking alone would make him think. The whole point in his endeavor was to try not to think. Because he didn't have a care in the world.


	11. The Bottom of a Bottle

A/N: Spinner chapter here – I'm probably going to surprise you a little bit with the route I'm taking Spinner down – but it was all part of the original plan for the story. This story, in many ways, is about how we deal with painful things, and Spinner's story line is about one of the most common ways misguided people use to deal. Thanks for feedback and constructive criticism. I appreciate it a lot!

Chapter 10

The Bottom of a Bottle

Alcohol – it tastes nasty, and it burns like fire as it goes down. Mix it with something sweet, and it's a little bit easier to take. Beer isn't bad, but he had to drink way too much of it to dull the pain. Spinner was getting used to the particular burning sensation or hard liquor – in fact, he was starting to enjoy the feeling of the liquid running down his throat, burning it's way into his stomach. He looked forward to the only oblivion from the pain that he could find – in the bottom of the bottle.

What was happening to him? He had started this year, hoping for a second chance – for a chance to make things right. It was the second week of school already, and he found himself finding his answers to his pain in whatever kind of booze Jay happened to find for them to drown their problems in. It had been like this every night since last Tuesday – they would meet up somewhere after work and school, find someone to buy them a bottle of something good, and then proceed to get so shit-faced that they couldn't even walk straight.

Spinner shook his head as he looked at the last couple of sips that remained in the bottle of vodka Jay had convinced that homeless guy to buy for a minimal "finder's fee." The bottle was almost empty, which saddened him. With the bottom of the bottle, eventually came the return of the guilt and sorrow – and the last thing he wanted to feel right now was guilt and sorrow. He drank not to think – he didn't want to think about how lonely he was since he lost everyone who had meant something to him following the biggest mistake he had ever made. He drank to try not to think about tomorrow.

Tomorrow was Tuesday, which meant it was the day. The day he would be confronted by the accusing eyes of those his actions had hurt the most. The day he would spend an hour being faced with his former best friend, glaring at him because his actions had ruined Jimmy's life. Sure, Jay kept trying to convince him that it wasn't their fault, but it was only with the comfort of the liquid pain reliever in his hand that he would actually believe Jay's words.

"What's your problem, Spinster?" Jay asked, looking at Spinner with alcohol glazed eyes.

"Nothing, dude." Spinner said, and continued to stare at the clear liquid remaining in the bottom of the bottle in his hand.

"Thinking about our little whine session with Ms. Suave tomorrow?" Jay asked. "Should be interesting – more blah, blah, blah, let's all cry because Rick was a psycho." Jay stated sarcastically, as he looked out into the distance.

Spinner just looked at Jay out of the corner of his eye. Spinner sometimes wondered if Jay actually believed the crap he spouted about it not being their fault. It often felt like Spinner was the only one who regretted what they had done. But Spinner knew that wasn't true – he knew that Jay regretted everything just as much as he did – all because of that night that he had tried to burn down the school. Jay had stopped him – Jay had helped him fix everything they had done. That moment had proved to Spinner that, no matter what Jay said, Jay felt badly for everything – or at least he thought that it had proved it.

"Here, give me that bottle. If you're not going to finish it – I hate to see good vodka go to waste." Jay said, and grabbed the almost empty bottle from Spinner's hands, and proceeded to down the contents.

"Good vodka? That stuff was crap and you know it." Spinner said.

"True – it may taste like crap, but it gives the same effect as the good stuff." Jay stated, as he wiped his mouth on his sleeve, and threw the ground, watching as it shattered into pieces in front of him.

"Greenpeace would probably throw a fit about that." Jay said, as he stared at the shattered pieces of glass in front of him.

"Yeah, she probably would. By the way, what's with you two?" Spinner asked, the alcohol running through his veins allowing him to pry into Jay's life more than he would have ever thought about doing normally.

Jay glared at him. "None of your business, Spinster. She hates me, always has."

"Doesn't everybody hate us?" Spinner asked. "After what we did…"

"Shut up about it Spinner. Your constant crying about it is getting on my nerves." Jay stated, as he got up from the picnic table awkwardly and staggered away, going towards his Civic, and searching his pockets for his keys.

"Jay… You can't drive home now." Spinner said.

"Why not?" Jay said.

"Because you're drunk." Spinner said.

"You're drunk, I'm drunk, we're all drunk!" Jay said, laughing. "Just how do you expect us to get home?" Jay asked, with a raised eyebrow.

"We'll walk." Spinner said.

"You'll walk… I'll drive." Jay stated, and fumbled with the lock on his car door.

Spinner stumbled over to him, and grabbed the keys.

"What's up with this, Spinster?" Jay inquired drunkenly. "You think I can't drive? I'll have you know I've driven when I have had twice – three times as much as I've had now."

"If you want to kill yourself, Jay, then don't do it when I'm around." Spinner said. "Now give me the keys!" Spinner said, and he grabbed them roughly out of Jay's hand.

Jay glared at Spinner for a moment, before giving up.

"Alright – we'll walk. But you'll have to drive me to get my car tomorrow morning, buddy." Jay said.

That was what had happened last night, the night Spinner was currently thinking about as he waited for Ms. Sauve and the rest of the students to arrive at their session. School had been hell – hardly anyone talked to him except for Jay, and surprisingly, Emma had also talked to him briefly a couple of times. This was the level he had sunken too – Jay Hogart as his only friend, and having Emma Nelson pity him. He remembered the days when his life was filled with friends, people like Jay were beneath his notice, and he would make fun of the same girl who had currently decided he was pathetic enough for her to feel sorry for.

He longed for a bottle to keep him company as he sat here. He needed to dull his thoughts – he needed something to numb his feelings. Especially as he watched Jimmy wheel into the room, and glare at him with accusing eyes. Spinner didn't want to feel like it was his fault any more. He didn't want to admit that it should be him in that chair, not Jimmy. He had ruined his best friend's life – he had taken away all of Jimmy's dreams.

He only had to sit here an hour, then he and Jay could go find someone to purchase them a bottle of something good. Maybe tonight, they would splurge – buy a bottle of the good stuff, and not that cheap shit they always got. After this session, they could probably use a bottle of the good stuff – maybe even two – because Spinner didn't really think he would feel like sharing tonight.

Spinner looked as Ms. Sauve walked in, with an angry looking Jay following close behind her. They took seats at the table – Jay sat next to him, and Ms. Sauve sat next to Jimmy. Toby and Emma hadn't arrived yet – which was unusual – because those two were usually the first ones to arrive anywhere.

"Glad to see you back, Jimmy." Ms. Sauve said, as she acknowledged Jimmy sitting beside her. "Welcome back, Spinner… Jay." She said and nodded to each of them.

She was interrupted by Emma and Toby rushing into the room.

"Sorry we're late, Ms. Sauve." Emma said. "My dad needed us to help him in the MI lab."

"Someone put a virus into the MI network." Toby clarified.

They looked at the seats left in the room. One seat was between Ms. Sauve and Spinner. The other seat was between Jimmy and Jay. Toby took one look at Jay, sitting there with an angry look on his face, and quickly rushed to take the seat next to Spinner. Emma just stood there for a moment, before gracefully walking over and taking the seat between Jimmy and Jay. Spinner noticed that she moved the chair closer to Jimmy – and wondered if perhaps Hazel had some competition, there.

Ms. Sauve waited until everyone was seated, before she started talking again. "Last week, we ended with talking about blame. Our time ran up before we could really discuss this. Let's go back to it." She said.

"Jimmy – you said you blamed Spinner and Jay for what happened. But was it really their fault?" she asked.

"Yes…" Spinner said at the same time Emma said "No".

"Interesting… Emma, why do you think it wasn't Jay and Spinner's fault?" she asked.

Emma was silent for a moment. "Well, in a way it was their fault – I mean that paint and feathers prank was completely juvenile and awful. But so many people treated Rick horribly – is it really fair to say it is all their fault just because their stunt was what finally pushed him over the edge?"

"But it was our fault. We bullied Rick – so bad. We told Rick that Jimmy was the inside man on the prank – that he had set it up. It was our fault, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jimmy. It's all my fault…" Spinner trailed off, as his eyes filled with tears.

Jimmy wouldn't look at him. It didn't seem to matter how many times he said he was sorry – sorry wasn't going to fix what he had done.

"Why did you tell him Jimmy had done it?" Toby asked, speaking up for the first time.

"Why do you think, geek. To cover our a…" Jay trailed off in the middle of the word he was going to say, as he glanced briefly at Ms. Sauve, sitting there. "To cover our butts." He finished off.

"Jay, could you please refrain from calling people names? His name is Toby, and I expect you to remember to use it from now on." Ms. Sauve said.

"Why? He answers to geek just the same." Jay stated.

Ms. Sauve sighed. "Jay, how would you like it if we started calling you names? I don't think you would enjoy it very much."

"I'd like to see someone brave enough to try." Jay stated with a smirk and a glare at all of the students sitting there.

"Alright, loser – you were too much of a coward to take the blame yourself. We get it… you bullies never pick on someone who will stand up for themselves – you are too much of a coward." Jimmy said, as he glared right back at Jay.

Jay said nothing, as he proceeded to flip his sunglasses off of his forehead and down onto his nose.

"It wasn't like that, Jimmy." Spinner said. "It was just a joke… It was all just a joke…"

"Some joke, Spinner. Next time you decide to "joke" around – do me a favor – do it far away from me." Jimmy stated as he glared at Spinner.

Spinner looked at Jimmy, sitting there and glaring at him, and felt the urge for a bottle. He didn't want to be here – he wanted to be in the bottom of a bottle – where he could fool himself into believing that none of this was his fault. What had happened to him – to all his hopes for a fresh start this new school year? He had lost his hope for forgiveness within the first week – he was slowly losing his will to continue, and it was only his second week. For the first time, he started to realize that this must have been how Rick had felt – returning to school and looking for acceptance, only to find a cold shoulder.

The urge for a bottle of something – a bottle of rum or tequila or vodka – was hitting him rather hard. The oblivion from the guilt and remorse and pain that was riding him – he could find that in the bottom of the bottle. There was only one problem with the bottle – it was a temporary solution. All of those feelings and thoughts he was trying to forget always came back again in the cruel light of the morning – with a vengeance. Spinner would give anything to get rid of all the guilt he was feeling – he would do anything to change what he had done. But he could never change what he had done.


	12. The Unforgiven

A/N: It's Jimmy's turn! This chapter starts where the last left off. I'll answer that question you were probably thinking last chapter – why did Jimmy come back? This chapter will also explore Jimmy's thoughts about Spinner and also his thoughts about his relationship with Hazel. So, here we go – the next chapter.

Chapter 11: The Unforgiven

Why had he come here, to this meeting? It wasn't like he had no choice in the matter. He originally came the first week, thinking that it would be a one-time thing – he would go once and try it so that Ms. Sauve would get off his back about it. But after he came last Tuesday, he made the mistake of mentioning something to Hazel about it. He remembered that conversation so well.

"Where were you Tuesday after school?" Hazel asked, as she sat on the couch in his living room with him as they watched TV together. This was what their dates had consisted of since he came home from the hospital – they would meet at his apartment or someone else's place and watch T.V or movies together. It was almost as if Hazel was afraid to take him somewhere, because it would be too difficult for him to do some of the things they used to do together or with friends.

Jimmy could feel the distance between them growing each day – every day they spent together it felt like they were drifting further and further apart. He loved her, and she loved him, but their relationship wasn't the same, anymore. They didn't talk about anything real anymore. Their conversations consisted of "How was your day?" or "Guess what happened between Paige and Manny today" – and they never talked about anything more than that anymore.

"Ms. Suave had a group therapy meeting for some of us "shooting survivors." He said, as he watched the people on the screen dance – yet another thing he couldn't do anymore the same way he could before. He couldn't walk, he couldn't run, he couldn't play basketball, he couldn't talk to his girlfriend about anything other than mundane small talk – let's just add dancing to the list of things in his life that had changed.

"Oh…" Hazel said, pausing as if she was thinking what to say. Jimmy noticed she had been doing that a lot lately – weighing her words before speaking, as if she was afraid of saying anything that might hurt him – as if she was afraid to say anything real.

For the first time in a long time, the old Hazel – the pre-shooting girlfriend he had used to know, showed up as she said the first honest thing she had in a long time.

"Did you talk to them about what happened?" Hazel asked, looking at him with a concerned look in her eyes.

"A little bit." Jimmy stated, as he stared at the TV screen in front of him. The couple on TV was now kissing passionately – something else that had been occurring less and less often as the distance between him and Hazel continued to grow. They used to spend a good hour making out on the couch – anymore they were lucky if they kissed for more than 10 seconds when saying good-bye at the door.

"You need to talk – you know. I know you don't want to talk to me – I don't know why you don't, but I just know that you don't– but you need to talk about it. If not to me, then maybe to someone. Maybe you might be able to talk about it to people who were there." Hazel said, and looked at him with an imploring look in her beautiful brown eyes.

It was then, that Jimmy realized the distance he had been feeling between the two of them – the differences he had been feeling in the relationship may be more about him and his refusal to talk than about her walking on eggshells around him. Or maybe it was a combination of both. He looked at Hazel, sitting there, and for the first time in a long time, he started to feel like maybe she did understand a little bit – that although there was this distance between them – she was still there. It was then and there that he decided to go back to the group thing, so that maybe he could find a way to talk – so that maybe he could find his way back to her.

So he had come back to this group, determined to try to talk. He thought that maybe Toby and Emma might understand what he was feeling. The whole problem with this group thing was that Spinner was there. He listened as Spinner begged his forgiveness again, claiming that it was all just a joke. Some joke, Jimmy thought, as he looked down at his chair.

"Some joke, Spinner. Next time you decide to "joke" around – do me a favor – do it far away from me." Jimmy stated as he glared at Spinner. His new set of wheels was Spinner's fault – did Spinner really think a couple of sorry's were going to change what he had done?

Thanks to Spinner's confession last year, he now knew why Rick had targeted him, and in a way, Jimmy could understand why Rick did it. After all, they were in the same situation – both of them were betrayed by someone they thought was a friend. Rick had thought he had been betrayed by Jimmy, after they had finally reached some kind of understanding, and Jimmy had been betrayed by someone he thought was a friend – his best friend had set him up to be shot. That sense of betrayal still lingered with him – even after he cut Spinner out of his life.

But cutting someone out of his life didn't necessarily mean he didn't feel a loss. No matter how much he tried to deny it, he felt the loss of his best friend – there were so many moments in time when he was sitting alone in his apartment, when he instinctually thought to himself – maybe I'll call Spinner over to hang out. Then he remembered what Spinner had done to him.

"I'm sorry I ruined your life Jimmy. I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I never meant for any of this to happen. I didn't mean to ruin your life." Spinner said, as he placed his head in hands, with tears running down his cheeks.

Those words echoed through is head. Is his life really ruined? Jimmy refused to think of it that way. His life wasn't ruined – that implied that he was defeated. And Jimmy Brooks refused to act like the very real possibility of living his entire life as a paraplegic would defeat him. Because it wouldn't. His life would go on – he would go on. His life didn't end when Rick shot him – his life wasn't ruined, as Spinner had said. The only thing that had really happened was that his life had changed forever – not a good thing, not a bad thing, just change. Jimmy accepted that change happened – that's the way life works.

Jimmy looked over at Spinner, with his head in his hands, crying. He actually felt bad for Spinner. However, he couldn't forgive him. Spinner, as usual, just didn't get it. His anger really wasn't all because of the wheelchair – Jimmy realized that Spinner never intended for that to happen. His real anger at Spinner stemmed from something else.

"Spinner – you just don't get it, do you?" Jimmy asked, as Spinner pulled his head out of his hands and gave Jimmy a confused look.

"You betrayed me, man. You were my BEST FRIEND, and what did you do? You told Rick I had dumped paint and feathers on his head – what did you think he was going to do?" Jimmy said.

"I never thought he would bring a gun." Spinner replied, with sorrow in his eyes.

"So what. That doesn't matter -- you still set me up! Your so-called best friend. It doesn't matter that you didn't know what Rick would do – in the end it still comes down to the fact that you set up your best friend!" Jimmy said, as he glared at Spinner. There, he had said it. Spinner had betrayed him, and he could never forgive him for that. Jimmy just didn't think he had it in him to forgive Spinner for this betrayal.

Spinner still stared at Jimmy, with tears running down his face, and regret showing in his eyes. He said nothing. Surprisingly, someone else spoke up.

"It wasn't his idea. Do you really think SPINNER would be smart enough to think of that story to cover his ass?" Jay stated, from where he was sprawled in his chair with his sunglasses covering his eyes. "The best he could probably come up with would be that aliens did it or something."

Jimmy glared at Jay, but listened to what he said.

"What do you mean?" Toby asked, speaking up for the first time in a while.

"What do you think I mean, ge—" he paused for a moment as he looked at Ms. Sauve, sitting there, listening to the students talking – "Toby?"

"What I THINK he means is that he told the story – Spinner probably just followed along. He's good at that – convincing people to do things they wouldn't ever think of doing normally." Emma said, with a well-placed glare at Jay.

"And SOME people have trouble admitting that I couldn't convince them to do anything they didn't want to do." Jay stated, pushing his sunglasses back on top of his head, and giving Emma a very intense look with his blue eyes.

Jimmy watched as Emma looked away, and wondered what was going on between those two. He vaguely remembered hearing some rumors about Emma last year – that she had been seen at the Ravine, a well known hook-up place that Jay had apparently been known to frequent while Alex was busy elsewhere – but Jimmy stopped that whole train of thought. What he had started to think just couldn't be what was going on between those two. Emma was so much better than someone like Jay, and he had never really thought all those rumors about Emma were true in the first place.

"He's right. It doesn't matter if it wasn't my idea in the first place – I went along with it, didn't I? I'm so sorry, Jimmy. I just didn't think – I was so mad at you because of our argument, and when Jay started going on about how it was you – how it had to be someone on the inside – I just went along with it. The worst I thought would happen would be he'd tell Raditch or something, and make a fool of himself, because there was no proof against you. I never thought he'd bring a gun. I never, never thought he'd bring a gun." Spinner said.

"So what, Spinner? In the end, it doesn't matter what you thought would or wouldn't happen – in the end it all comes down to what did happen. You betrayed me, you lied to Rick, Rick brought a gun,  
Rick shot me and I'm paralyzed. That's what happened, and you saying you're sorry just isn't going to make it go away. I understand how Rick must have felt – he thought someone who was his friend had betrayed him – that I had humiliated him in that one moment where he had a chance to be a star. I understand – because that's what happened to me. I was betrayed by someone I thought was my friend, too, and it's not a good feeling." Jimmy said, as he looked at Spinner, who was still sitting there, with tears in his eyes.

"I was your friend – I am your friend, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it happened, I'm sorry that it's my fault. I'm sorry that it's you and not me in that chair, and I'm sorry that all I can say is that I'm sorry, and even then I know that isn't enough. That will never be enough." Spinner said, as he put his head on his desk.

Jimmy said nothing at all, as he looked at his former best friend, and realized something. Spinner was right – all he could say was that he was sorry – it was up to Jimmy to forgive him, and himself for what had happened. Because in his own way, Jimmy was just as guilty as Spinner of bullying Rick – he'd just stopped a little sooner. The biggest question Jimmy had to ask himself was --who was his unwillingness to forgive hurting the most? Spinner, or him?


	13. The Layers of Truth

A/N: This is a Ms. Sauve chapter. In this chapter, the students continue where they left off, as we go further into their feelings about the shooting. Thanks for feedback! Thank you! By the way, updates are probably going to take a little longer between chapters starting next week. Unfortunately, summer vacation is officially over, and I have to go back to school – which will cut into the amount of time I have for writing. But I promise to try to get a chapter a week done! That is my goal – a chapter a week. Anyway, enough about me, it's time for the story!

Chapter 12: The Layers of Truth

My job was hard – there were so many troubled kids in this school, and only one of me. The problem was, I idealistically wanted to save them all. Life would be so easy if I could just wave a magic wand or sprinkle fairy dust or something, and make all the kids in the school better. But it just doesn't work that way. Some days, I felt like I wasn't getting through to anyone. Some days, I felt like I had no real purpose in this school – that all my idealistic thoughts of being the person that the kids could talk to were just a silly childhood dream.

But today, as I listened to the kids in this group – talking, I felt like maybe I wasn't completely useless. These kids who I brought together – they wouldn't have ever talked about any of this before. There were still a couple of students that weren't really talking about anything – but Spinner and Jimmy were currently talking about things honestly – they were actually dealing with the feelings of guilt and betrayal that had destroyed their friendship. They were getting beyond those surface layers of truth that we use to shield ourselves from the painful things underneath. For the first time in a long time, I felt like my job had a purpose. I felt slightly better about what I devoted my life to doing.

I sat back and just listened to what the kids were saying. It was only the second session, and they were actually talking – I felt very encouraged about that.

Spinner's head was currently on his desk, and he was crying. I glanced at the other students – Jimmy was looking away from Spinner with an angry look on his face, Toby was looking at Spinner thoughtfully – but is was the looks on the other two kids faces that surprised me. Jay was looking at Spinner – well, I don't know quite how to describe the look on his face, but if I had to guess, I would say that he was looking at Spinner sympathetically. Which completely surprised me, because from past experiences in trying to counsel Jay, I had thought that feelings of sympathy and empathy were things he had never learned. As much as that surprised me, I was even more surprised by the look on Emma's face, as she looked at Spinner, who was crying. She looked so guilty as she looked at him. I wondered why she looked that way.

I started to say something, to try to comfort Spinner, but Emma's words interrupted me before I could say anything.

"It's not all your fault, Spinner. It was never all your fault." She said, as Spinner lifted his head up off the table, and wiped the tears off his face with the back of his hand.

"Yes it was!" He said.

I watched, surprised, as Emma started to cry.

"No it wasn't. I could have done something – I could have said something different. I could have stopped him." She said, as tears started to roll down her cheeks.

All of the guys in the group looked at her, surprised, and concerned – even Jay.

"Emma" Toby said, "You couldn't have done anything. He was pushed over the edge. You couldn't have stopped him."

"You just don't get it, Toby. Nobody gets it – nobody knows. It was my fault he went home and got that gun. It was all my fault!" She said, and got up from her chair, pushing it back roughly.

"Emma" I said, as she turned and started to run out of the room. "Emma, wait!" I shouted, but she kept going, out the door. I saw all of the guys look at each other in shock, then look towards me. I was placed in a moment of indecision – should I follow her now, or should I wait to talk to her tomorrow morning? I guessed that she was probably well on her way out the door of the building right now, and decided to give her time to calm down. I would talk to her tomorrow, and find out what she had meant by that statement.

"Well…" I said to the remaining students, who were all looking at me with very concerned eyes "I will talk to her tomorrow – I think she needs some time to calm down." I said.

I saw the boys all watching me, with questions in their eyes. All except for Jay, who was looking at the closed door Emma had exited through, with a hard to read expression in his eyes.

"Ms. Sauve…" Toby started, but trailed off, as if he couldn't think of what to say.

Spinner looked at me for a moment, before he asked the question on everyone's minds. "What was that all about? She didn't do anything – she stood up for him." he said.

Toby looked like he wanted to say something, but didn't speak up. "Toby?" I inquired softly. "Is there something you wanted to say?"

"It's just that – I don't know." Toby said.

"Go ahead Toby. You can talk about anything here." I said.

"It's just that – I think something happened between her and Rick – right after the contest." Toby said, quietly.

"What do you mean?" Jimmy asked. "I remember she ran off with the trophy to give him, after he ran off. I thought she didn't find him."

"I don't know for sure – but I think she did catch up with him. She was acting sort of strange during lunch and when she saw Rick had come back to the school – but I don't know." Toby said.

"Well, Toby, thank you for telling me that." I said, as I looked into Toby's worried eyes. "I'll talk to her tomorrow – see if I can find out what's bothering her." I said.

Toby looked at me for a moment, then spoke again. "I'm just worried about her – you know. She's been acting differently since the shooting, and Manny told me she did something last year that got her into trouble. She's my friend, and I'm worried about her – she just hasn't been the same since the shooting." Toby said, honestly.

"What kind of trouble did she get into?" I asked, hoping to find out so that I could help her deal with that.

"Manny really didn't tell me much – she just said something about Emma making a mistake that she won't talk about – but I've heard the rumors. We've all heard the rumors." He said.

"Yeah, right, like any of us believed THAT about Emma." Jimmy said, with a little laugh.

"What rumors?" Spinner asked, curious.

"I'll make a long story short. Emma, some random guy, bracelets, the ravine, gonorrhea." Jimmy said. "I heard it last year shortly after I came back. Never did hear who the guy supposedly was, but I thought it was completely ridiculous."

Spinner said nothing for a moment, and appeared to be deep in thought.

"Maybe Jay could tell us if the rumor is true or not. After all, didn't I hear something about you, Amy and the Ravine?" Jimmy inquired with a raised eyebrow. "Did you ever get antibiotics for that?"

Jay glared at Jimmy. "Not that it's any of your business – but yeah – I got treated. As to the whole Emma at the ravine thing – are you serious? I never saw her there with some random guy." He said, with a smirk. "The rumors you hear…" he said, and shook his head in amusement.

I looked over at Spinner, and saw him looking at Jay with a look of shock on his face. I wondered what that was all about.

"Well, we should probably talk about something else, now, boys. Rumors are just that, rumors." I said. "We're here to talk about what's real – we're here to talk about the truth."

"What truth is that, Ms. Sauve?" Jay asked with a smirk on his face. "Are you going to start telling us it's ok to cry, now?" Jay asked sarcastically. "Because I've heard that lecture before."

"Jay" I said, warningly.

"No offense, but your sentimental crap is getting on my nerves." Jay stated.

"Jason, that's enough." I said.

"I mean, look at how pathetic this is. Let's see – we have the geek over there – I'm so sad, because my friend was a psycho who died – and we have Wheels here, who is so pissed off at Spinner because he's in a wheelchair and is refusing to admit that he was as much of a big, bad bully as Spin and I. And we have Spinner here, whose constant crying is getting on my nerves – somebody get the big baby a pacifier or something." Jay said.

"That's enough, Jay." I said, angry. "You can leave now, if you can't contribute anything worthwhile to this discussion."

He got up and smiled at me, as he walked out the door. "But remember, Mr. Hogart – I'll be documenting this for Mr. Simpson. He'll have a little talk to you about RESPECT." I thought I saw him pause slightly at my words, but continued to open the door, and exit the room.

I looked at the last three students left in the room, and I thought about Jay's exit. I couldn't shake the feeling that I had just been manipulated into kicking him out. I pushed that thought out of my head, as I looked at my remaining three students. I still had three students left, and they all needed to talk – and that's what I'm here for – to listen.


	14. Strange Connections

A/N: Following my sequence of character points of views, this is an Emma chapter. Recapping last chapter, Emma ran out of the room, upset. Now we take up with the Emma's story upon leaving the room. Thank you so much for the feedback and constructive criticism. I greatly appreciate it. I am trying to get this chapter and 2 more done this week before school starts – but after I go back to school, my updates are going to be less often. Thank you so much!

Chapter 13: Strange Connections

Emma ran down the hallway, with tears streaming down her cheeks. She couldn't get away from that room fast enough. As they were talking, she just kept flashing back to everything that had happened on that horrible day. She kept remembering when Rick had grabbed her, and tried to kiss her, and the horrible words she had said to him. Spinner was blaming himself for everything, but Emma knew the truth. It wasn't really Spinner's fault. Rick was upset and angry after that stunt, but Emma knew that he brought the gun back to school because of her. It was all because of her. Spinner was taking the blame for everything, and she was too much of a coward to admit what she had done – that it was more her fault than anyone else's.

Emma wasn't paying attention to where she was going, until she stopped suddenly in the hallway. How had she ended up here, in this hallway? She had successfully avoided this stretch of hallway since last year. Why had she ended up there, now? She could still hear the sounds of the students racing down the hall. She could still see Rick and hear his heavy footsteps, as he walked down the hall – she could still hear his voice, as he saw her, standing in the hallway. She could still hear his words.

"Hi, Emma. Sorry I kissed you," he had said, as he looked at her, with that blank look in his eyes. He was still there, in front of her, watching her with accusing eyes – like a ghost haunting her that wouldn't go away, no matter what she tried. It was like a movie that kept replaying through her head that wouldn't stop. Only it was worse than a movie – because when you watch a movie, you only see it happening. But for Emma, the flashbacks included the sights, the smells, the sounds – everything.

She looked around the hallway she was standing in, and felt the terrifying fear that had froze her on that day – the same fear she had felt when she had looked over Sean's shoulder, and saw the gun pointing right at her. She sunk to the floor in front of the lockers, and buried her head in her knees, as she tried to force herself to forget the memories.

She heard footsteps coming down the hallway, and tried not to jump, as a part of her that was still stuck in the nightmare thought that it was Rick's footsteps again, coming down the hallway with a gun in his hand, determined to shoot her.

"Emma…" she heard a male voice say, and in her head, she finished the phrase with "I'm sorry I kissed you."

"Emma…" the voice said again, and she forced herself to remember that it wasn't that day anymore – that Rick was dead, Sean was gone, and she had moved past this, just like everyone else.

She brought her head up from where she had buried it between her knees, as she sat, huddled in front of the lockers, and looked up at who was standing over her.

"What do you want, Jay?" she said, as she wiped the remains of her tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. Of all people to find her like this, Jay was the last person she wanted to see.

He sat down next to her in front of the lockers, and looked out at the row of lockers across from them, and didn't say anything.

"Shouldn't you be back in the whole group thing?" Emma inquired, tonelessly.

"Shouldn't you?" he asked, with a raised eyebrow, as he turned and looked at her.

"Probably…" was all Emma said, as she continued to sit there, on the floor, in front of the locker, in the very hallway where she had almost been shot – where she had watched someone die.

Emma and Jay sat there, silently, saying nothing for a few moments.

Finally, Jay broke the silence.

"Are you ok?" he asked, quietly.

Emma gave a little snort of laughter. "Probably not." She said, and continued to stare at the locker in front of her.

"Did you know this is the hallway where Rick died?" Emma asked, quietly.

"Yeah, I remember." Jay said quietly.

"Why did you come find me?" Emma asked, as she continued to stare out at the lockers in front of her, noticing the scratches on the red paint and the dent in the bottom of the locker where it looked like someone had kicked it.

"Had nothing better to do." Jay said.

Emma looked over at him, sitting next to her. She didn't quite know what to think about this. Was he here because he was looking for some way to further take advantage of her when she was vulnerable?

"Emma…" he started, then paused. "Let's get out of this hallway." He pushed himself off of the floor, stood up, and offered her his hand.

She stared at his hand for a moment, before taking it to help lift herself off the floor. She quickly let go of it the minute she was standing up.

She stood in the hallway, looking around, then turned and looked at Jay, and pointed to a spot on the floor.

"Right there – that's where they fell to the floor. That's where he remained, even when Sean got up. His eyes – he was watching me, accusing me, the whole time. I should have been nicer to him – I shouldn't have said what I did to him." Emma said, quietly, as she stood there, staring at the spot as if she could still see him, lying there.

"Emma…" Jay said, and hesitated, as if he didn't know what to say. "C'mon, let's just get out of here – go somewhere else?"

"Why? So I can go down on you again? Is that why you're here? It's not going to happen again Jay – so just leave me alone." Emma said, and glared at Jay.

"Are we back to that again? I seem to remember you showed up at the ravine and offered that second time." Jay said.

Emma looked at him for a moment.

"Do you even know what it's like to want to be someone – anyone else other than yourself for just a moment? At that point in time, I would have turned to anyone or anything that would help me forget who I was for a moment. But it's not going to happen again. I learned my lesson – you taught me that lesson." Emma said, with sad eyes, and turned away from Jay.

"C'mon, Emma." Jay said. "I didn't make you do anything you didn't want to do." He angrily replied at her turned back.

"Look, Jay, I know that. Just leave me alone, now." Emma said, as she started to walk away.

"Fine!" Jay said loudly at her retreating back.

As Emma walked away from Jay, she thought about what had happened. Why had she revealed so much to him – why had she even talked to him? It was the same thing as last year – that strange connection that had pulled her towards him – that feeling that maybe he just might be the one who would understand, just a little bit, what she was feeling. Her mom and dad didn't understand – they just wanted to know what was "wrong" with her, and when the "old" Emma would come back. Manny couldn't understand – she just brushed the whole shooting away and never thought about it, and she had walked away from Spinner when she found out his involvement – so would she really be able to understand Emma's guilt? Sean might have understood – but he wasn't here any longer – he had gone back to his parents.

Emma pushed thoughts of that strange connection she had felt with Jay away – after all, he had used her loneliness and emptiness to take advantage of her last year and in the end, just made her feel worse about herself than she already had -- and she wasn't going to let that happen again. But she couldn't blame it all on Jay – because in the end, he was right. She was the one who came back that second night and offered. In the end, it was her choice. She couldn't allow herself to feel that connection again – because she just couldn't trust him – or herself.

Unfortunately, part of her wanted to give Jay the benefit of the doubt – maybe he did feel badly about everything, and in his own strange way, was trying to make sure she was alright. But she couldn't listen to that part of herself anymore. It was that trusting part that always ended up getting her hurt. It had happened with Sean, and then with Rick. But that trusting part of her just couldn't let it go – because in the end, it had been proved right about Sean. Sean had redeemed himself in the end. And that part of her that was still "Cause Girl" held out the hope that everyone could change for the better. But she couldn't listen to herself anymore – because too many bad things happened when she was wrong.


	15. The Man with the Answers

A/N: Sorry this update took me so long! I'm taking a full credit load this semester, and I'm getting hit rather hard with schoolwork and work (I officially hate the smell of McDonald's food now). Anyway, for anybody who is really into this story and was worried -- I will finish it. It's just that until Thanksgiving break and Christmas break – my writing time is seriously limited. So, this is it – Chapter 14: The Man with the Answers.

Chapter 14: The Man with the Answers

Toby sat and observed what was going on in the room, as he tried to push the worry he felt for Emma out of his head. Emma's words and departure had left him with so many questions that he had been unable to answer. The same questions that had been running through his head since that day – the questions he was afraid to put voice to, because he didn't want to think or talk about what happened anymore. He could feel Spinner and Jimmy's eyes on him, looking at him like he knew why Emma had ran out of the room crying. Like he knew what had happened between her and Rick that awful day. Like he knew why Rick had done what he had done. Since that day, everyone had been looking at him like that – like he was the man with the answers to why it had happened. Like Rick had told him what he was going to do. Nobody seemed to realize he was just as confused and as shocked as everyone else was.

Toby heard what they were talking about in the room, and found himself surprised at how much everyone knew about what Emma had done last year. The only reason he knew more about it than Manny's cryptic mistake comment was because Manny had mentioned it to Liberty, who had told J.T., who had, in typical J.T fashion, joked about it to Toby. Toby still had trouble thinking about what J.T. had said–- it seemed almost sacrilegious to him to even try to visualize Emma doing that with Jay. He didn't think any less of Emma because of it, but it was still hard to think about the girl he had always had secret fantasies about hooking up with one of his worst tormentors.

Toby heard Jay speak, and immediately put his full attention on what was being said. Not like Toby really believed he could do anything to stop Jay, but he sometimes liked to feel like he could.

"Not that it's any of your business – but yeah – I got treated. As to the whole Emma at the ravine thing – are you serious? I never saw her there with some random guy." He said, with a smirk. "The rumors you hear…" Jay said, and shook his head in amusement.

To describe himself as shocked at Jay's words seemed to be too mild a description. But Toby couldn't find a word in his vocabulary to accurately describe the level of surprise that Jay's strange defense of Emma had made him feel. All Toby really knew was that if he was an overweight 50 year-old, Jay's response would have caused him to die on the spot from a massive heart attack. Jay had lied, for Emma. He hadn't bragged about hooking up with Emma, or any other typical Jay behavior Toby had expected. It made him wonder what Jay was up to, because Toby knew that people like Jay never did anything without some self-serving reason.

Ms. Sauve was saying something, but Toby wasn't paying attention – he was still looking at Jay and trying to figure up what Jay was up to.

Then Jay spoke again, and Toby started to listen again.

"What truth is that, Ms. Sauve?" Jay asked with a smirk on his face. Toby cringed inwardly at that smirk. That was the look that he knew from experience to be the one Jay gave when he was about to be his most cruel. It was that smirk that Jay gave him before he pushed him out of the way, or stole his backpack, or made some comment about his glasses or his being a geek. It was that smirk that Jay had on his face, as Toby had observed him sitting in the audience at the Whack Your Brain competition, in those fateful seconds before the paint and feathers fell.

"Are you going to start telling us it's ok to cry, now?" Jay was saying to Ms. Sauve. "Because I've heard that lecture before."

"Jay" Ms. Suave said as if in warning.

"No offense, but your sentimental crap is getting on my nerves." Jay stated.

"Jason, that's enough." Ms. Suave said sternly.

Jay just keep going, ignoring Ms. Sauve's warnings, as Toby watched and listened.

"I mean, look at how pathetic this is. Let's see – we have the geek over there – I'm so sad, because my friend was a psycho who died – and we have Wheels here, who is so pissed off at Spinner because he's in a wheelchair and is refusing to admit that he was as much of a big, bad bully as Spin and I. And we have Spinner here, whose constant crying is getting on my nerves – somebody get the big baby a pacifier or something." Jay said cruelly.

Toby knew Jay was just talking – that he was just being the typical jerk he always was – but Toby found a strange sort of truth in his words. Toby was sad because Rick died. Not the Rick who came to school with the gun – but the Rick that played video games and Dungeons and Dragons with him. The Rick who had an innocent list of the most beautiful girls at school. The Rick who had tried so hard to prove to everyone that he had changed. The Rick who had been pushed into a locker, and had got up and acted like nothing had happened. The Rick who had been his friend.

"That's enough, Jay." Ms. Sauve said, angry. "You can leave now, if you can't contribute anything worthwhile to this discussion."

Toby watched, as Jay stormed away. He listened to Ms. Sauve's parting words to Jay, before Jay slammed out the door. Toby observed as Ms. Sauve looked at the door for a moment, before turning her gaze to him – to all of them left in the room.

"Well, it looks like it's just the four of us left." Ms. Sauve said, giving a small smile. "What were we talking about before that little interruption?" she inquired.

"We were talking about the rumors that were going around about Emma." Jimmy said.

"That's right, and I said that rumors were just rumors, didn't I?" Ms. Sauve asked.

"Yeah, they are." Toby spoke up quickly.

Ms. Sauve turned her probing gaze to him, and gave him a small smile. Sometimes, the cynical part of Toby wondered how sincere Ms. Sauve really was. Did she really care about the students, as she seemed to? Or was it all just an act, because caring about the students was the job she was paid to do?

"But if they weren't rumors – what would you do if a friend was really in that kind of trouble?" Ms. Sauve asked.

Toby knew the answer she expected. It was the answer adults always expected from teens in those one-sided conversations about how to help a friend who was in trouble. Those conversations always ended in "Tell an adult." But would that be the truth about Toby would really do? Those rumors were true – Emma really was acting out in ways that showed she wasn't dealing with the shooting – but here Toby was, lying about what he knew to protect Emma. But was he really protecting her by not telling the truth? Ms. Sauve might be able to help her, if she knew. But Toby couldn't tell her. Because that cynical part of him knew the truth. Adults always say, "Tell an adult", but then the adults don't listen. They never listen to what the kids have to say.

Toby looked at Ms. Sauve for a moment, before he spoke honestly to her. "You want me to say, tell an adult, like that would solve the problems. But Rick tried to tell an adult what was happening – no one listened. No one listened, and no one cared. The teachers knew what was happening, but they didn't take it seriously. He tried to talk to Raditch, but he was ignored. So don't tell me I should tell an adult when a friend is in trouble. Because I know that adults don't listen." Toby said.

Ms. Sauve looked at Toby for a moment, surprised by his outburst. "Some of us listen Toby. Some of us care." She said sincerely.

"Yeah right." Toby said skeptically.

"I do agree with you Toby. A lot of what had happened was the fault of the entire school system, even of the entire government itself. No one listened, because there is no time to listen. The teachers are overworked, the school is overcrowded, and there is not enough money available for the necessary social programs to help troubled kids and to teach the teachers how to recognize the signs of troubled kids – to recognize the signs of something like this happening. But some of us do listen, and some of us care. You just need to keep talking, until someone pays attention." Ms. Sauve said.

"And by then, it's too late." Toby said, letting his cynical side have free reign over his words – voicing all of the anger he had inside in him since that first moment, back in 5th grade, he had learned that it was useless to tell what was happening.

He remembered going up to Mrs. Andrews, with his mud stained pants and stomach growling. He remembered telling her about what had happened, about the biggest boy in his class, whose name was Matt, and how this boy had taken his lunch box, and when Toby had objected to the theft, Matt had proceeded to push him into the mud puddle. He remembered the annoyed look Mrs. Andrews had gave him, as she looked up from the papers she was grading, with the lights glinting off of her glasses, and he remembered her response. "I don't have time for this, Toby. Just get a school lunch today." She had said, as if he hadn't told her that Matt had pushed him and stole from him – as if it was all right for Matt to take his lunch and push him. Toby also remembered what had happened after that day – how it had gotten so much worse, because word had gotten around that he was a "squealer." It was that day that Toby learned it was so much easier to take it than to fight back. He had learned it was useless to say a word.

"He's right." Jimmy said. "No one paid any attention to what was happening to Rick."

"And some people were adding to the problem." Toby replied, and gave Jimmy a look. "Some people were throwing Rick into to dumpsters and threatening him in the hallways." Toby said, and wished he could take that comment back. He didn't know why he felt this sudden anger at Jimmy – Jimmy had paid a horrible price for what had happened, but that didn't stop Toby from feeling angry at him, deep down inside. Jimmy had been made into a martyr by the entire school, while he had been just as guilty as the rest of them in his treatment of Rick. Meanwhile, Toby had been made out to be the man with the answers. The person who had to know why Rick had done it. The person who everyone, deep inside, thought could do the same thing that Rick had done. Because Toby understood what Rick was going through – he understood the anger, hurt, humiliation, and loneliness that Rick felt. But nobody understood that he didn't know why Rick had done it – why Rick chose the route he had taken. Toby didn't have any answers, and he was tired of everyone acting like he did. He was tired of everyone treating him like he was going to be the next kid to bring a gun to school, just because he was Rick's friend.


	16. Life in the Fast Lane

A/N: Here it is, the Jay chapter! Anyway, Jay was being difficult, but after I threatened to just kill him off in the story or to make him so hopelessly OOC to get this chapter done– Jay decided he was going to cooperate (I don't think he wants to be OOC, because I think that scared him worse than me killing him off, just kidding). That's just my little "Jay is a hard character to write" rant for this chapter. Thanks for reading! (and thanks to everyone who helped me see I had to threaten Jay to get him to behave – you know who you are!).

Chapter 15

Life in the Fast Lane

"Do you even know what it's like to want to be someone – anyone else other than yourself for just a moment?" she had said, looking at him with tears in her brown eyes.

Jay remembered Emma's words and her tears. They were words that he couldn't get out of his head, no matter how hard he tried. Why did he care that Emma was upset? He didn't care – not one bit.

He felt the familiar anger build up inside him – an anger that demanded release. Why was he angry? Was he angry because Emma Nelson had just treated him like used gum that was stuck on the sole of her shoe? Of course not. He was angry because he was Jay Hogart, and that's how he was supposed to be. Jay Hogart was expected to be angry. He was supposed to be angry. It didn't matter what people like Emma Nelson thought about him – he wasn't angry because of her.

He needed an outlet for his anger. Alcohol wouldn't do it – it would barely even touch the surface of the anger he was feeling right now. So he did the only thing that ever seemed to work when he was this angry – he headed for the highway.

Speed – he loved it. Windows down, speeding down the highway – that was the only time he even remotely felt like he was free. He sometimes thought that if he drove fast enough – that if he hit the gas pedal hard enough – he could outrun his thoughts and his memories.

He hit the gas pedal harder, as he passed a tractor trailer. He loved weaving in and out traffic, waiting for that straight stretch – that opening in the traffic where he could really let her loose. Where he could make his civic go as fast as it could, with it's souped up engine that Sean had helped him with.

Sean… he hadn't thought of Sean in a while, but he did now, and didn't question why just the thought of Sean caused his foot to press down harder on the gas pedal. Sean was his best friend – the only person who even half-way understood him. And now Sean was gone. He had gone crying back to mommy and daddy, all because Rick was a psycho.

Just thinking Rick's name caused Jay's foot to press the gas pedal to the floor. Faster and faster he went – maybe if he went fast enough, he could forget about Rick. Maybe he could forget what had happened. Maybe he could forget that it was… it wasn't his fault. He felt the speed of the car climbing, but he made no move to slow the car down. Why should he bother? He didn't care if he died. Nobody would care if he died.

He saw the flashing lights in his rear view mirror. "Ah… shit!" Jay exclaimed. He couldn't afford to get caught. He was already walking a tightrope with his grandparents after his expulsion. He remembered the day he was expelled, as he starting swerving among the lanes of traffic, trying to lose the police car that was tailing him.

Jay remembered that he had sat in the chair, secretly wishing he was anywhere else but where he was, waiting for Ms. Hot Sauce to give her final decree. He gave her his best "I don't care" smirk, enjoying the flash of anger in her eyes as she stared him down. He remembered thinking of various sorts of torture to punish Spinner for ratting him out. He remembered his feeling of relief to find out that Spinner hadn't ratted Alex out also. He remembered the look on his grandma's face, as she sat there beside him, listening to Ms. Hazilakos' punishment.

"But… what about suspending him?" Grandma had asked, with a worried look on her face. "If you expel him, he won't be able to graduate – we can't afford to send him to a private school."

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Michaels, but we have a 'zero tolerance' policy here. Your son was indirectly responsible for one student's death. Another boy was paralyzed, and Jay's friend Sean was shot in the arm when trying to stop the shooter from killing another student. That paint and feathers stunt that Jason and Gavin pulled – that was over the line. I have to expel Jason." Ms. Hazilkos had said.

"But please… he needs to go to school." Grandma had protested.

"I'm sorry." Ms. Hazilakos said, with a sympathetic look on her face as she looked at his grandmother, sitting there, crying.

He had walked out of the school that day, with the security guard escorting him out. He had went home, to face his grandparents.

"Why did you do that, Jay?" his grandma had asked, with tears running down her cheeks.

"Because he's just like his junkie dad. He's gonna end up in prison, just like his father." His grandfather had said, without looking at him. "Bad blood, Anna – you can't get around it. He's gonna be just like his father."

Jay had said nothing, just went up to his room, with the words "just like his father" burned into his memory. That's what he always heard – that's what they always said to him. He had heard it often enough – every note home from a teacher, every suspension, every time the police had given him a warning - -he had heard it so many times. He had heard it so often, that he was actually starting to believe it was true. He was going to be like his dad.

He looked in his rearview mirror again, and saw the flashing lights were still behind him. He pressed down harder on the gas pedal, and swerved around a mini-van that was in front of him.

Why didn't he just pull over? Because he was just like his father. He was destined for prison, just like his dad. Why fight the inevitable?

Jay looked over at the car he was passing, and saw a girl sitting in the back seat, with long blonde hair. He kept passing the car, but then slowed down, as he pulled his car over to the side of the road. He didn't want to ask himself why he had done that. He really didn't know why he had pulled over. All he knew was that he had.

He sat there, and waited for the officer to come to the side of his car. The man looked at him like he knew his type, and didn't like him one bit.

"Bad blood, Ana, you can't get around it. He's gonna be just like his father." Jay remembered his grandfather say, again and again, as he sat in the car, facing the same exact look from a stranger.

"_Do you even know what it's like to want to be someone – anyone else other than yourself for just a moment?" _Jay thought about Emma's words, as he sat there, waiting.

"Every goddamn day." Jay Hogart mumbled in response to those remembered words, as he handed his license to the waiting police officer. "Every goddamn day."


	17. Free Falling

A/N Wow! It's hard to believe that this is chapter 16 all ready! Thanks to everyone for feedback. I really appreciate it. Well, here it is, Spinner's chapter!

Chapter 16: Free Falling

"And some people were adding to the problem." Toby replied, and gave Jimmy a look. "Some people were throwing Rick into to dumpsters and threatening him in the hallways." Toby said.

Spinner felt Toby's words like they were rocks thrown at him – even though these stones hadn't been thrown at him, but at Jimmy. Jimmy, who was the person he had hurt the most with that stupid stunt. Jimmy, who would never walk again, because of him.

Jimmy – Spinner looked over at Jimmy, sitting there, and realized an inevitable truth. Jimmy wouldn't forgive him. Jimmy would never forgive him. How could Jimmy forgive him? He didn't deserve forgiveness. Spinner knew that what he had done was completely unforgivable.

"Toby…" Ms. Sauve said, as she gave him a sympathetic smile.

Spinner watched, as Toby just glared back at her. It was then that Spinner realized that Toby was just as much of a victim here as everyone else. Toby –nerdy, geeky Toby – had done nothing to deserve what had happened. Toby had never deserved any of the treatment that they had dished out at him – way back since the day he had come to Degrassi as a gawky seventh grader and Spinner had proceeded to put him in a locker. Spinner felt the weight of his guilt weighing him down – holding him prisoner as he struggled to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes. Toby was yet another life he had ruined – he might as well just add him to the list.

Spinner tried not to think, as he stared at the clock, willing time to go faster. Each minute that passed was one minute closer to leaving here – to find an escape from the pain. Spinner watched as the second hand ticked, as if in slow motion. The sound of the clock was the only sound that permeated the silence of the room. Fifteen more minutes until he could go and find his escape. Fourteen minutes and 59 seconds until he was free to go find something to soothe the ache he felt, deep inside. Fourteen minutes and 58 seconds until he could find his way to oblivion.

"You guys are quiet now." Ms. Sauve said. "Is there anything you would like to talk about?"

Spinner looked away from the clock, and looked at the two other boys left in the group. Toby was sitting, and staring into space, and Jimmy was looking at his desk, as if deep in thought. No one said a word, as Ms. Sauve looked around the group, like a disappointed puppy denied its favorite bone.

Spinner felt Ms. Sauve's disappointed gaze on him, as he avoided her eyes. He instead looked at the clock, hanging on the wall, and began to count down his minutes to freedom. He was counting down to those moments when he could down the bottle, and find a way to forget. Fourteen minutes and 1 second until he could be released from this joke. From this room where he was supposed to find a way to deal with his pain – where instead of that, he just found more pain. More pain, more regrets, and more things to add to his list of sins were all that he found here. Thirteen minutes and 54 seconds until he could go find his solution to his pain.

The room remained silent, as Ms. Sauve waited for someone to speak. She looked around at all of them, before she broke the silence.

"Jimmy, Spinner – don't you want to respond to Toby? Don't you want explain what happened between you and Rick?" Ms. Sauve inquired, as she looked at Jimmy, then at Spinner.

"I think I've kind of paid more than my price for anything I did to Rick, don't you think so, Toby?" Jimmy asked, with a pointed look at his chair.

Spinner said nothing, and just sat there. There was nothing more left for him to say, really. He knew that "I'm sorry" wasn't enough – he knew that all of his regret was not going to change a damn thing. All that mattered now were those 10 minutes and 23 seconds he had to wait to go find oblivion.

"Spinner?" Ms. Sauve asked. "Is there anything you want to say?"

Spinner turned his gaze from the clock to look at Ms. Sauve's expectant face. He shook his head, and turned back to the clock.

"What, Spinner? No more I'm sorry's? Good – cause I'm tired of hearing it." Jimmy said, with a glare.

Spinner tried to shut his words out, but he could still feel their sting, adding to his guilt – adding to his all-consuming desire for a drink.

He could almost taste it going down – he could imagine the numbness he would feel. All he needed was something to drink. Eight minutes and 13 seconds until he could go find a drink.

"Spinner?" Ms. Sauve inquired softly. "Do you have anything at all to say?"

Spinner looked back at Ms. Sauve again. "No, I don't." he said, and turned back to his minute count.

"C'mon Spinner – you have to do the whole "I'm so sorry because I put you in a wheelchair for the rest of your life" act again. You've only been going on and on about it like it would actually change something every time you talk to me." Jimmy said, sarcastically.

Spinner looked at Jimmy for a moment. "And it won't change a damn thing – will it? So why should I say it again?"

"Spinner…" Ms. Sauve started. "Just the act of asking for forgiveness is a very important part to healing."

"Well – I asked. End of story. Can we just shut up about this now?" Spinner asked anxiously.

"Spinner, you don't have to be here if you don't want to, you know." Ms. Sauve said.

"Yes, I do. It was a condition to me coming back. Weekly therapy with you." Spinner said.

"But it doesn't do any good if you don't want to be here." Ms. Sauve said.

"Then I can go?" Spinner questioned.

"Go – if that's what you really want." Ms. Sauve said, quietly.

Spinner thought for a spit second – did he really want to go? What were his choices? He could stay, and listen, and feel even worse, or he could go, and find a way to become numb.

"See you later, Ms. Suave." Spinner said, and he got up and walked out.

He walked through the hallways of the school, listening to his footsteps, as he walked through the empty halls. The halls – so empty. In his mind, he could feel himself walking through the hallways of the school on that long ago, never forgotten day. He could taste the fear – he could almost touch the regret. The hallway where Jimmy was shot – it was to his left. The hallway where Rick had died – it was back there. This was all because of him. This was all his fault.

He had to get out of here, and he needed to find Jay. He headed out of the school, and to his car. Jay would probably be waiting for him in front of the liquor store, which was their usual haunt. This old guy named Bernie lived in a box behind there, and was always game to go in and buy them whatever they wanted, for a little bit extra cash to buy a bottle for himself.

He pulled up in front of the store, and was surprised to find that Jay wasn't there – but Bernie was. He didn't question Jay's whereabouts – there were more important things at the moment. The most important thing in the world to him was in that store – and Bernie was going to get it for him.

Spinner got out of his car, and walked over to Bernie.

"Hey Bernie, dude – what's up?" he asked.

"Where's your friend?" Bernie asked, with his gravely voice.

"Somewhere. I've got money – can you get me a bottle of vodka?" Spinner asked, quietly.

"As long as I can get a bottle of rum for myself." Bernie said, with an odd little laugh.

"I think there is just enough for vodka for me, and rum for you." Spinner said, and handed Bernie a wad of money.

"Be right back." Bernie said, and walked into the store.

Spinner stood outside waiting, and imagined he was already drinking from that bottle, every time he thought of Jimmy, the shooting, any of the people he hurt – he imagined he was taking a drink. He imagined the numbness that it would make him feel.

"Here you go, buddy." Bernie said, as he startled Spinner out of his thoughts, to hand him a paper bag, with a bottle inside.

"Thanks, dude." Spinner said, and he held the bottle in his hands, and watched as Bernie walked away, cradling his own bottle in a brown paper bag like it was a baby. Spinner understood the feeling. This bottle in his hands was his answer to his pain – and he wasn't about to let anything happen to it. He needed the oblivion it offered. He needed that numbness it would make him feel. He needed it to not feel. He didn't want to feel his pain, regret, remorse – he didn't want to feel anything anymore.

He got into his car, and drove to the ravine, and headed toward his and Jay's picnic table. He was surprised to see some other guys there – and none of them were Jay. He briefly wondered where Jay was, and then decided he was probably hooking up with Emma again or something. Jay probably thought he was too stupid to figure out what was going on between him and Emma today, and what had gone on between him and Emma last year. Everyone thought Spinner was too stupid to figure anything out. But he was usually able to figure out the obvious – and there were certainly enough clues to make it obvious to Spinner.

One of the guys standing around, looked up from whatever he was holding in his hands, as he saw Spinner walking toward the table.

"What are you doing here?" he snapped, and put whatever was in his hands behind his back.

"Just looking for a place to drink this," Spinner said as he held up the bottle of vodka, "in peace, dude."

"Well, well…" the guy said, with a smile, "My name's Kyle. And I wouldn't mind sharing what's in that bottle."

"Sorry, dude – but I don't feel like sharing tonight." Spinner said, as he sat on top of the picnic table, and opened the bottle.

"I'll share mine, if you share yours." Kyle said, with a grin, as he held out whatever was behind his back.

Spinner looked, and was rather surprised to see that Kyle had a bunch of bottles of cough syrup in his hands.

"So… I'm supposed to trade my vodka for some cough syrup? Sorry, man, but I don't have a cold." Spinner said, and took a chug from his bottle.

Kyle laughed. "These are not just any bottles of cough syrup, dude."

"What, is it magical cough syrup, or something?" Spinner asked, before he proceeded to give off a loud burp.

Kyle laughed again. "Or something. Haven't you ever been dexing before?"

"Dexing?" Spinner asked, and looked at the bottles of cough syrup. They just looked like plain old cough syrup – the kind you can get in any store.

"You know – dexing, skittling, robotripping?" Kyle asked, and snickered at Spinner's clueless look.

"I guess you'll just have to take my word on it – huh? This is magic cough syrup. Just drink a whole bunch, and wham… works as well as anything I could get from my dealer." Kyle said.

"Are they illegal?" Spinner asked, before taking another gulp of the vodka.

"You can get them at any drug store, without a prescription." Kyle said. "Want to share?"

"What the hell." Spinner said. He was up to try anything at the moment. And it was just cold medicine, wasn't it?

"Well here you go." Kyle said, as he handed Spinner a bottle. "Chug this down."

Spinner handed Kyle the bottle of vodka, and watched as Kyle took a big chug. He looked at the bottle in his hand, and took off the lid. He looked at if for another moment, and then put it to his lips, and proceeded to drink the whole bottle of cough syrup dry.

"That's the spirit!" Kyle said, as he handed Spinner back the bottle of vodka.

They proceeded to pass back and forth their respective stashes, talking little, as they watched the other people milling around. Spinner was blinded by headlights as another car pulled in. For some reason, they looked a lot brighter tonight, and whatever kind of vehicle it was had 6 headlights. He heard the sound of a slamming car door, and the noise of footprints, shuffling over the pebbly ground, as if they were from miles away.

"Spinner, my man, you would not believe the night I've had." Jay said, as he walked over to Spinner. "Oh, hey Kyle – long time, no see, man."

"Hey, Jay! Haven't been around much lately – my parents had me drying out in a rehab in the middle of nowhere." Kyle slurred.

"Sounds like that really worked." Jay said with a smirk, and turned back to Spinner, who was sitting with his eyes half closed, looking into nothingness.

"Spinster. Hey, Spinster!" Jay said. Spinner heard Jay as if he was from far away.

"Hell, Spinner – What the fuck did you take?" Jay asked.

Spinner wanted to answer, he really did – but he couldn't. He felt something dragging him down further, and he couldn't move. He couldn't think. He couldn't do anything.

"Spinner!" he heard Jay yell, as if from miles away. "What the fuck did you give him, Kyle?"

"Relax, man. He's just dexing." Spinner heard Kyle say.

"Spinner!" he heard Jay call, from even farther away.

Spinner felt himself slipping away, and then, he felt… nothing.


End file.
